No bueno

I've been putting this post off because I really don't know what to say.

We're not pregnant.  No chance of a baby before I'm 31 (unless it's premature, of course).  This sucks.  I really thought this was our month.  So many things were telling me that we should just try this on our own this month and not add the stress of IUI back in.  Maybe the whole point of it was to just bring us back together, but wouldn't us being pregnant do that, too?  I just don't understand.

I'm at a loss on where we go from here.  I call my doctor tomorrow to hear what they have to say, and I'm pretty sure she's going to recommend another try at IUI.  Great.  I'm willing to give it another shot since I feel we have to keep moving forward, but I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. 

I am defnitely at a point where I feel like maybe this just isn't going to happen for us...and that kills me.  I don't understand why it's so hard.  So many other people can do it, why can't we?  It seems like it should be so simple.

A friend recently told me to go for adoption.  I was immediately put off by this suggestion and I've been thinking about my reason for it ever since then.  First of all, it's not like adoption is a quick fix either.  It's expensive and takes a lot of time...and you still aren't guaranteed a baby.  Secondly, it hurts that we can't have a baby on our own, so the flat out suggestion to "just adopt" seemed a little rude to me.  I mean, does adopting a baby negate the fact that we aren't able to have one on our own?  Or that we've lost one before?  It will not make us forget any of this.  And then of course, there's the fact that having OUR baby will be the most miraculous thing ever.  A little piece of me, a little piece of the Hubs...wow.  I would give anything for that right now.  And while raising any child would be nice, I just really want our child right now.  Maybe that's wrong of me???

I need to move on and move forward, but I just don't want to.  I've had a few days off work and have managed to do nothing more than drink, eat, sleep and cry.  My hopes of telling our family that we were pregnant at Christmas are null and void.  This whole year has seemed like a waste and I just can't wait for it to be over.  Bring on 2011 and let's hope it is actually a HAPPY new year.