Sneaky sadness

It's funny how you can go along for a good period of time doing just fine - actually impressing yourself and making yourself believe that you have finally found a way to deal with all of this.  And then in an instant, you find yourself crying into a throw pillow so your husband won't hear you.

If you haven't guessed yet, I'm talking about myself.  And this is what just happened today.  I'm here to write about it to help me wrap my brain around why I'm being so horrible and dramatic.  And also in an attempt to explain myself so I don't seem like such a hateful, terrible human being.  Cuz I'm totally feeling like a spoiled brat right now.

A very good friend of mine informed me today that she's pregnant with their second child.  I knew this was coming; they've been trying for a few months and she was worried that it wouldn't be as easy this time as it was the last time.  She's not me, so of course everything would work out great for her.

I'm honestly so happy for her.  She and her husband are such great people, they are amazing parents and their daughter is adorable.  She's had some family issues lately, so she totally deserves to have a break like this.  But I can't help but wish it was me.

Of course, I immediately hope that this month will be OUR month, too, and that she and I will be preggers at the same time.  For whatever reason, it sounds fun.  Especially since we are already so close already.

I would never describe my feelings as jealous, but I can't help but hate myself a little bit for allowing me to get emotional about this all of a sudden.  I've said it before and I'll say it a million more times: I HATE THIS!  I hate not knowing if and when I'll ever be prgnant and I hate not knowing why I'm not getting pregnant. 

Let me say this again: I am really so very happy for her, but I hate this situation.  And I hate myself a little bit for crying about this.  I would never want her to know that this was my reaction...hell, I don't want anyone to know this is my reaction.  But it's so hard to watch everyone around you announcing their exciting news when you want so bad for that news to be yours.  God how I wish I could make that happen.

My last post beamed about how optimistic I was this cycle.  I'm not giving that up.  I'm going to slap on a smile, be supportive of my friend - and excited for her, because I am - and will slap my own face if I allow myself to come to this place again.  If that sounds a little harsh, I'm sorry...but I'm starting to think I'm developing eye wrinkles from all of this crying!!!

Whew...must say I feel a little better now.  Roughly 10 more days of waiting to find out if I will join her in the August Mommies Club.  Fingers still crossed!