A belated, but very happy update...

I hadn't realized that it had been so long since I updated this...and again, I hate excuses, but other than just being plain old busy and tired, I really didn't want to jinx this.

I never revealed that on August 10th, we found out we were having a BOY!  Just as we both thought - and had always hoped for.  The third trimester went by pretty well without too many issues - the back pain returned, pain in my legs...the usual...although I started actually sleeping better in the last couple of months of my pregnancy.  Crazy, I know.

We had two wonderful baby showers thrown by friends and family and one thrown by my wonderful, amazing work family.  And then came December.

The pain in my legs became worse as the days went by and there were many days that I felt like he was literally going to fall out of me.  On Sunday the 11th, I had some back pain during the night and even woke up to get sick...the days the followed involved little appetite, extreme tiredness and a very upset tummy.  Friends assured me that I would be having a baby soon, but I didn't believe it.  I wasn't due until January 6th and had every belief that our little guy would be late.

The doctor said I was progressing - I was into my weekly appointments and at my first visit, I was 1/2 cm dilated and the second week, I was 1 cm and 50% effaced.  Things were moving along, but most likely, I would have the baby somewhere around the end of the year.  On Tuesday the 13th, as we were on our way home from registering at the hospital, we were in a minor accident.  Although I felt fine at first, I started to panic after a while, had some contractions and was sent to the hospital for observation.  Once we arrived, they hooked me up to the fetal monitors which showed that I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes, but that our little guy was doing well in there and actually seemed unaffected by all of the excitement.  I could not be more happy!  I was just over 36 weeks at this point so they told me that if labor started on its own, they would not stop it, but would prefer we waited a while longer before the little man made his appearance.  After a couple of hours there, they decided to send me home.  Thank goodness because even though I had just had the Hubs throw the bag in the car that day, I was not prepared to stay there that night.

The nights that followed included more leg pains (it was like shooting pains down the insides of my thighs that almost felt like my legs were about to give out), nausea and lack of sleep, but I still did not believe anything would happen that soon.  I had a follow up at the doctor the next day and was told I was 2 cm but I was still thinking he would come at the end of the month. 

As the week went on, the same pains and complaints continued (even though I didn't complain!) and on Friday (the 16th), I went to work, was super productive, brought home work for the weekend and had plans to finish our Christmas shopping that night.  When I got home, the leg pains were worse and I was clearly having contractions this time (my stomach was almost in the shape of a square as they happened).  So we decided to stay home that night and take it easy as I was sure the events of the week (and my possible overdoing it) was just more than my body could handle.

The next day, the Hubs and I woke up convinced that we were going to finish our Christmas shopping no matter what.  Although I was exhausted, still nauseous (and losing weight by the day!), we managed to accomplish the mission.  It felt great.  The Hubs convinced me that I needed to eat, so we stopped off for sushi lunch (I am a vegetarian, so mostly ate rice, which was good for a sick tummy!).  While at lunch, we talked about how we hoped that the baby came either before Christmas or at the end of the year.  The Hubs admitted that he was worried that it would happen very soon while he was away at work or in the middle of the night, so we discussed that for a bit.  After lunch and a lengthy discussion about our worries and our excitement, we headed home and I was able to take a wonderful nap!

At around 3:30, my phone rang and woke me up from the nap (it was my former boss' wife asking if she could drop off a gift for the baby).  As I sat up to answer the phone, I felt something coming out of me.  Right away, the Hubs could tell from the look on my face that something had happened to which I quickly said, "Um...something just fell out of me!"  I ran to the bathroom, my heart beating so hard I could hear it through my chest, and as I sat on the toilet, I felt more fluid rush out of me.  I wasn't sure whether I had just peed my pants or if my water had broken, but after a phone call to my sister-in-law and the doctor, we were quickly on our way to the hospital.

As we drove there, we could not believe that our little guy may actually be on his way.  I cannot describe the amount of calmness I had!  It was unreal.  Although I was so excited that we were going to meet the baby we had been dreaming of for years, I really kept it together somehow. 

We were checked in at the hospital and they started the monitors, changed me into a gown, got me in the bed and I was quickly "checked."  I'm not gonna lie, it didn't feel good, but it wasn't as bad as what I had heard (a friend of mine referred to this as being "fisted" and I now see why).  The nurse told me I was at a 4 and 100% effaced and asked about my pain level - to which I replied that I had none!  We discussed an epidural (and how I definitely wanted one, but didn't feel the need for it at this time) and she promised to keep me udpated of when it was no longer an option to receive one (I feared I'd wait too long!).

As I mentioned before, I really wasn't scared at all at this point.  I was excited, felt like I was in a dream, but totally calm - like I had done this all before.  A different nurse came in a few minutes later to administer my IV and thanks to something she shouldn't have told me, that's where the nerves set in and tears started to flow.  Our baby was at 37 weeks, 1 day and this nurse informed me that because he was early and a white male, it was likely that his lungs were not fully developed, so they were a bit concerned.  I have to admit that the minute she left the room, I couldn't contain my emotions any longer and the floodgates opened and the tears flowed.  I could tell the Hubs was worried as well, but after talking to another nurse and the doctor, they assured me that he should be just fine, wasn't showing any signs of trouble so far and that the other nurse who gave me this scary news was actually a "baby nurse" who doesn't typically work with the moms.  I guess we know why.

After another couple of hours, I started to have some back pain, but nothing terrible...they said I was between a 4-5 and that the doctor wanted to start me on pitocin to speed up the labor.  He wanted to offer me the epidural before the pitocin so I wouldn't have to feel the pain if I didn't want to.  Although I was in minimal pain at the moment and was a bit curious to see how far I could go, I decided to take them up on the offer and I must admit that although I feel like I cheated a bit (I seriously NEVER was in pain, just uncomfortable), I'm glad I took it because I was going to be exhausted later!!!

Fast forward to about 2:30 in the morning...nothing had really been happening. I was still at a 5 or so after a few hours on the pitocin, was told to turn on my side for a few hours so I did and boy did that get things moving.  The next time the nurse came in she had a huge smile on her face to which she exclaimed, "He's here!  You're ready!"  The Hubs and I could not believe it!  It was finally going to happen!!!  They told me it would take about 45 minutes for the doctor to arrive so to just try to get some rest until we started with the delivery.  Easier said than done!  I was so excited that I started to hyperventilate a little bit, but thanks to my yoga breathing, I was able to keep calm - and that's because the Hubs was the most amazing labor coach I could have ever asked for!!! (A special note that I highly recommend the prenatal yoga and the breathing exercises we learned in that class!  It truly kept me focused and able to remain calm when I needed it most.)

When the doctor finally arrived, we started the whole process (which again, was so surreal, but so amazing!) and after 30 minutes of pushing (which they tell me is great!), we met our beautiful baby boy!  It was the most amazing moment of my entire life and I will never forget how incredible it was to see him for the first time.  He was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen and although I was just seeing him for the first time, I felt like I already knew him.  I was overwhelmed with emotion - happiness and joy was beaming from every pore of my body and I was totally oblivious to anything else happening around me at the moment.

Love at first sight...

Caleb Michael - born 12/18/11 at 3:56 a.m.

6 pounds, 12 ounces - 18.5 inches long

Fast forward to today - 10 weeks later - and I must tell you that life just continues to get better by the day.  Our little guy is truly amazing and we are absolutely obsessed with him.  I still feel like he is the most amazing person I have ever met and that I've known him forever.  I read back through my past blog entries and remember all of the sadness we went through to get here and I honestly feel as though I may have been less sad had I known that we would eventually be blessed with this wonderful little person.  I will never forget the baby we lost, the tremendous disappointment and sadness we experienced over the past few years and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for those couples who have difficulty in conceiving a child.  It is the absolute greatest gift a person can ever receive and it kills me to think that not everyone can just "have a child." 

I also have to say that after years of hating my body and being so angry with it for what it didn't know how to do, I have a whole new respect for it now.  It dealt with labor in the most perfect way - doing exactly what it needed to do so that I was able to give birth to a beautiful, healthy child.  I never thought that labor would be as easy for me as it was after all of the trouble my body gave me with conceiving, but I really do respect and love my body now. 

Life is good.  I love my husband more than ever and am blessed with a gorgeous, healthy, happy little boy who I could not possibly love any more than I do.  And although I'm about to head back to work and leave my happy little world of being home with my little man every day, I am truly grateful for all that we went through to get here.  I stare at Caleb every day wondering if he will ever know how much we love him or what we went through to meet him.  Perhaps all of those sad days made us appreciate the happy days we've had even more. 

All I know is that I have no idea what made God eventually answer our prayers - and I often ask Caleb whether he picked us or if someone picked him for us - and while I will most likely never know the answers to these questions, I do know that I am so incredibly grateful that he's ours! 

Our gorgeous blessing

Caleb at 9 weeks

"Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

Plump and juicy...

Tomorrow, I will be 18 weeks.  I'm very excited that next Wednesday, we will be finding out if we have a little Nugget or a Nuggette.  For most of my pregnancy, I've had dreams about having a boy, but a few nights ago, I had a very sad, disturbing dream about having a girl.  So who knows...either way, as long as it's healthy, that's truly all that matters.  As cliche as it sounds, it's true.

Just in the past few days, I've noticed some "changes" in my body.  And I thought to myself that all along, I've not really "tracked" my progress as far as symptoms and weird changes as this baby grows inside me.  So, since I'm finally coming to the realization that my body is no longer my own, here goes a little recap of what I've noticed so far.  I'm hoping that if I'm ever pregnant again, that I can look back and compare how similar or different my pregnancies are.  So here goes:

Nausea:  This all started around 7-8 weeks.  I had been feeling great up to this point - not too tired, no changes in my appetite...everything was the same.  When literally in the matter of one day (actually night, my sickness was in the evenings), I was ill and there was no need for dinner for me for another 5 or so weeks.  I lost a good amount of weight during this time (about 5 pounds, which for me is a lot), so the doctor prescribed Phenargen to help with the nausea.  The only side effect was that it made me super sleepy, but it was worth it.  Since it was typically after 5pm when this all started, I didn't so much care if I dozed off to sleep.  At about 14 weeks, the nausea went away except for some minor "ickiness" when eating tomato sauce or chocolate.  Weird, I know.  But now at 18 weeks, I'm starting to get my normal appetite back.  I still love fruit, but am once again eating dinner.

Weight Gain:  As I mentioned above, I had lost about 5 pounds in the beginning due to my nausea and lack of appetite.  I'm happy to say (or maybe not so much) that at about 16 weeks, I noticed a pound or so here and there and then in the past week, I'm up 4 pounds from my regular weight.  It happened really fast - maybe because my boobs have become quite engorged in the past three days (literally!)...can I blame 2 pounds a piece on those puppies?  My regular clothes still fit me (except one pair of shorts that were always my "skinny shorts") although I do notice my tummy is a little fuller (not exactly a bump, though).  I invested in a Be Band to help with pants that are too big or those I can't quite button and so far, I've only used them for some of my bigger pants to help keep them up.  I'm sure in a week or so, at the rate I'm going, I'll need them for the pants that won't button.  Oh well, it's all part of the process and means the baby is growing, right?  I must admit, for someone who has already tried to be healthy and "thin", this is a hard thing to accept.  You feel "fat" and bloated and although you know you're being crazy, you wonder if maybe you're gaining weight too fast.  I guess my doctor will tell me next week if that is the case!

Complexion: One thing I've been really fortunate to have, is great skin thanks to this little baby and the hormones it's bringing to my body.  I typically have really oily skin that is prone to break outs, but since I got pregnant, my skin is nearly perfect.  The only negative I've noticed is that I'm a bit hairier.  Gross, I know, but there is definitely a little bit of fuzz on my tummy as well as on my face.  I'll take it, though...hopefully it's not that noticeable.

Spider veins:  This is something I definitely have.  I've always had a couple of patches on my legs where I can see my little veins - and I've always hated them.  But they are definitely more noticeable and I even have a spot I never really noticed before that is definitely more noticeable now.  I hear they can go away after the baby's born (something about it being from estrogen?), but they're not terrible...yet.

Sleep:  As I mentioned already, I'm starting to have some weird dreams, but thanks to my overactive bladder (which really didn't start until about 12 weeks), I wake up 2-3 times per night.  I have experienced some pain in my back and left hip (possible sciatic nerve pain?), so that adds to my problem and I'm also waking myself up when I roll on my back (since I know at 20 weeks, I'm no longer supposed to be on my back or tummy).  I am taking prenatal yoga and love that and it definitely helps with the back pain, but there are times I wake up feeling like I fought ninjas all through the night.  Maybe I do?

I think this covers most of what I've experienced so far.  I'll try to add to or repost with my new weird conditions.  And although I'm sure some of this sounds as though I'm complaining, I do want to make sure it's understood that these are not complaints.  I could not be happier to finally be pregnant.  I know there are a lot of pleasant and not so pleasant side effects that come with the job, but I'd gladly take it over not having this amazing opportunity and experience.

Here to stay...

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted and although I hate excuses, I have to be honest and say my main reason for not posting is fear.  I'm afraid to jinx this.

We had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and everything looked good there (and how amazing it was to watch that little cutie move around!), but we were awaiting the final results from the genetic screening.  We had our 16 week appointment today and our doctor assured us that everything at this point looks perfect and could not be more normal.  Thank God.  Now I can exhale...

We heard the heartbeat (167 beats/minute...always amazing!) and although he poked a little fun at this "theory", our doctor said it "sounded" like a boy since the heartbeat was so strong and deep.  Who knows how accurate this is, but we'll find out for sure on August 10th.  That's our next ultrasound date.

I cannot describe how very happy and relaxed I feel now.  I made myself sick today thinking about all of the things that could be wrong.  But now, I'm starting to realize that maybe, finally, God is giving us what we actually deserve.  I really hope this is the perfect baby we've been waiting to meet for so long.  For now, we have these pictures to stare at until we see our little Nugget again...and boy (or girl!), do we love it!

12 weeks, 6 days

 Tiny Feet!!!

What a face!

God is listening...

Today, I was officially convinced that God is listening to the prayers of all of the women like me who are wannabe moms.  Whether they have been trying for just a few months, a few years or have been awaiting their adopted child's arrival for many, many years, he is finally fulfilling requests. 

In addition to our miracle suprise, I have a very good friend who is finally pregnant after multiple IVF attempts.  Turns out, we are about two weeks apart in our due dates.  I finally told her today and we're both thrilled and ecstatic to be experiencing this together - much less at all!

Then, another very good friend who has assured me all alone that she had a feeling that we would be pregnant at the same time is in fact pregnant with her second child and - no lie - is due four days before me.  Amazing.

To top it off, a friend who I have been emailing and chatting with regarding infertility just informed me last night that she just found out she's pregnant too!  Like us, they were awaiting starting IVF (except she had already received her meds, gone through orientation, etc.) and it just happened on its own.  I could not be happier for them.

And the cherry on top was the message I received from my cousin who has been awaiting a child from China via adoption.  Her application was approved some time ago and after numerous broken promises that it would be six more months or twelve more months, she's now at four years and counting.  Well, today, she received notification that an 18-month old little girl is waiting for her.  Do you have chills yet?

The past month has been a whirlwind of happiness and joy for us and so many others and I must just take a moment to appreciate all of the blessings that I and so many of our friends are receiving.  I am praying so hard that every one of these individuals gets only good news as time progresses and that in fact, their dreams are really coming true.  And their prayers are really being answered.  Ours, too.

Everyone says that God works in mysterious ways and answers prayers in his time.  I always believed in this, I just questioned his timing.  Today more than ever, I was made even more sure that he does listen and that this is OUR time.  I'm not sure why this time is better than the years and years that I and my husband and so many of our friends have prayed for, but I have faith that it couldn't be better timing.

God bless the new babies that will come into our life and the lives of our friends.  What an amazing day...

Where have I been?

I must apologize for my long absence.  I should be eagerly anticipating each opportunity to update this blog, but I haven't.  There is so much to tell...so much to say...but yet I'm so tired that I cannot find the time in the day to write down what I'm feeling and thinking. 

Since I last posted, our little baby gave us a scare.  On the 17th, I started spotting - something I absolutely dreaded after experiencing this once before with our miscarriage.  Of course I was sent directly to the doctor.  But the whole drive, I thought about whether I felt that this was the end or whether I felt that this baby was here to stay.  I honestly felt that this was just a small hiccup and that all would be okay.

The doctor checked me out first, said all seemed to be okay and sent me over for the ultrasound.  Right away, I knew I should be looking for a little flash to indicate a heartbeat.  And since we were seeing a "wide shot" there was  no flash - but of course I didn't realize this and just absolutely freaked out.  Finally, the technician zoomed in to our little bundle and there it was.  The most beautiful, amazing thing I've ever seen - our baby's heartbeat!!!  It was amazing and we of course were brought to tears and so overjoyed.  I was so excited to see our baby and how great he or she was doing that when we were informed that there was in fact only one baby and no twins, I thought, "Oh, I didn't even worry about that." 

We were told that all looks great with the baby, we weren't quite as far along as we thought, so the due date was moved back from December 27 to January 6.  Heartrate was 130 beats per minute and everything was perfect.  The bleeding was coming from a small pocket of blood right above my cervix that was no concern at all.  I was just informed to keep from any serious physical activity - so no yoga or power walking - but that everything else should be fine.  I cannot explain how absolutely relieved we were.  Seeing our baby was the most incredible thing I've had happen in my life so far...so of course, I must share our picture:

Since the ultrasound, I've noticed that I'm extremely tired, but unable to sleep well - waking up several times throughout the night and not able to sleep past 6 a.m. no matter what.  I'm having a bit of evening sickness, a few nights worse than the rest, but nothing too horrible.  I'm not complaining. I'm dying to start exercising again, but I know it's all worth it and it's the right thing to wait until we see the doctor again before even trying.  But boy do I miss yoga...it's so calming!

Our family and a few friends now know our news - which makes it even more exciting if that is even possible.  I'll share more on how we shared the news later.  Needless to say, everyone is ecstatic and cannot wait to meet our little baby.  And neither can we.  This is like the best dream I could ever have and I'm so glad I haven't woken up yet.  Truly a dream come true...

Wow - I'm pregnant...

I'm pregnant.  I'm pregnant.  I'M PREGNANT!!!

I still can't believe it.  We've known for a week and a half, just told my best friend yesterday, and am still trying to make myself believe this may actually be for real.

We took a break from all of the meds and procedures this month while we waited for our appointment with our new RE.  I told myself it wasn't going to happen on it's own and had finally accepted the fact that IVF might be our only hope - even though I was still terrified of it.  And my period was a little late, and I had tested negative, so just figured my body was messed up for being on it's "own" this month.  But then I took one more test just before I called my doctor and got a BFP.  I couldn't believe it, so I took another.  And it said the same thing.

That night, I gave the Hubs an envelope with the tests in there - and he was speechless.  I still think he didn't believe it.  We were awaiting the HCG test results to confirm it and he knew that from the last miscarriage, even that first number didn't mean that the baby was here to stay.  So of course he's cautious to be too celebratory.  The next morning, I took one of the digital tests which of course read "Pregnant" and for some reason, this made him believe it more.  I have to agree...there's something about seeing that word instead of two little lines that helps make it seem real.

Today is Mother's Day and I would love to tell our mothers today, but as of now, the Hubs wants to wait.  We find out the results from our third HCG test tomorrow and then may do an ultrasound sometime this week depending upon where the levels are (I think they have to be at 1,000 for anything to show on screen).  Just really hoping that the levels are high enough tomorrow that we can get the ultrasound soon so this can feel more real.  Then, the little guy or gal just needs to hang on until Christmas or so (Christmas, did I say we would be having ourselves a Christmas baby?). 

To make things even better, I also found out that one of my good friends who has been struggling with IF is pregnant after her third IVF round and is also due at Christmas. It killed me not to tell her we were going to be going through our pregnancies together...

Fingers crossed for lots and lots of sticky baby dust and 9 more months of a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end.  I'm still in shock, but really hoping to believe this is OUR baby.  He or she is finally ready to make us parents - and that is the most wonderful gift in the world.

Happy birthday, baby

Today would have been our baby's 1st birthday.  It's such a beautiful day outside and would have been such a great day for a first birthday.  But instead, I'm sitting in bed sad, wondering what went wrong and if we will ever get a baby of our own.  No matter how much time goes by, I still think about that baby we never met and how different our lives would be if he or she would have been born. 

All along this terrible journey, I've thought things like, "Oh, if I don't have a baby by the first baby's due date, I'll quit trying," and would just keep making up new deadlines - the baby's first Christmas, the due date of my new niece and of course, eventually came to the first birthday of our baby - but we have kept on trying.  It's been exhausting in about every way possible - physically, emotionally, mentally and even exhausting enough that I'm tired of reading other blogs about infertility.  But for some reason, I keep on and I have to believe it's because we are meant to be parents and that some day soon, all of this will work out as we had hoped.  I hope that someday soon, I'm looking down at a tiny little face that WE created after years of sadness and disappointment.  But I can guarantee that no matter how far from today that is, we will never forgt the baby that we never met.

So to that baby hopefully waiting for us in heaven, I hope you know how much we love you and wish we could have met you.  You brought us so much happiness and joy in that short time you were in our lives.  And even though we never had the opportunity to hold you or kiss you or know your name, it is because of the thought of you that we continue to try for another baby.  We experienced a great amount of heartache when you left our lives, but because of the happiness that we had knowing you were there, we will never give up the chance to be "real" parents. 

Happy birthday, baby.  Somehow I feel that you gave us more gifts than we could have ever given you.  We love you and will never forget you.