Happy birthday, baby

Today would have been our baby's 1st birthday.  It's such a beautiful day outside and would have been such a great day for a first birthday.  But instead, I'm sitting in bed sad, wondering what went wrong and if we will ever get a baby of our own.  No matter how much time goes by, I still think about that baby we never met and how different our lives would be if he or she would have been born. 

All along this terrible journey, I've thought things like, "Oh, if I don't have a baby by the first baby's due date, I'll quit trying," and would just keep making up new deadlines - the baby's first Christmas, the due date of my new niece and of course, eventually came to the first birthday of our baby - but we have kept on trying.  It's been exhausting in about every way possible - physically, emotionally, mentally and even exhausting enough that I'm tired of reading other blogs about infertility.  But for some reason, I keep on and I have to believe it's because we are meant to be parents and that some day soon, all of this will work out as we had hoped.  I hope that someday soon, I'm looking down at a tiny little face that WE created after years of sadness and disappointment.  But I can guarantee that no matter how far from today that is, we will never forgt the baby that we never met.

So to that baby hopefully waiting for us in heaven, I hope you know how much we love you and wish we could have met you.  You brought us so much happiness and joy in that short time you were in our lives.  And even though we never had the opportunity to hold you or kiss you or know your name, it is because of the thought of you that we continue to try for another baby.  We experienced a great amount of heartache when you left our lives, but because of the happiness that we had knowing you were there, we will never give up the chance to be "real" parents. 

Happy birthday, baby.  Somehow I feel that you gave us more gifts than we could have ever given you.  We love you and will never forget you.