It didn't work...

IUI #3 was a bust.  No matter how much I wanted it to work and believed that everything was pointing in the right direction for it to happen, it didn't.  I am finally realizing I have absolutely no control over this and no matter how much "sense" I think a certain cycle will make, it's just not going to happen on my terms...or maybe at all.  I'm done trying to think about what makes sense or what would be best for us or our situation.  I am scared to admit it, but I am honestly afraid that it just may not happen for us.

My "regular" OB is willing to try IUI #4 with the Femara as one last resort until the new doctor can see us.  Femara would start tomorrow and the new doctor, unfortunately, says he may not be able to see us until the Fall. Seriously?!?!  I have to believe if it's going to take two and a half seasons for someone to see us that this guy must be a God or a miracle worker or something.  I feel as though we have to try just one more time, but I'm so afraid of what we do until we can see someone else and get more help. 

Everyone who has ever "tried" has heard the saying, "Oh, you just have to relax and stop trying so hard and it will happen for you."  Once upon a time, I sorta believed this, but not any more.  I had read so many things that said how much BS it was that someone would blame stress on the not being able to join an egg and a sperm...but I accepted it.  For a while, that is.  I no longer believe that.

I've tried to talk to the Hubs about adoption.  Perhaps that's the only way we can be parents...but he's just not having much of an adult conversation right now.  I can't say I blame him, but I'm so afraid of not having a plan. 

Not sure what else to say about this post.  I'm at a loss.  I feel like I've been following a map and suddenly lost the map or lost my compass...and I just don't where to go.  I'm following the directions of other people at this point and don't know how to gain control again.  Where to go from here?  I have no idea, but I have to try IUI once again so I can admit that I've done what I've been "instructed."  What else is a people pleaser to do?

Please God help us.  Because I no longer believe that I can.

Resisting the Urge

So, tomorrow is test date.  I cheated and tested on Monday after promising the Hubs I would wait, but it was Valentine's Day and I had such great feelings about getting a BFP and telling him on Valentine's Day that we were gonna be parents!!!

So, of course, the test was negative.  And I was sad, but I was trying to keep in mind that Monday was only 11 days past IUI (dpiui). 

The Hubs busted me, of course, and made me promise that I would wait to take the test when he could be with me.  And I promised, of course.  But being home alone tonight is really hard...really tempting...and I'm not gonna do it.  I'm not gonna.  I am the worst liar and I know that if it is negative, I'll be sad and if it's positive, I'll be ecstatic and never forgive myself for knowing before the Hubs. 

Maybe I should go to bed now to further resist temptation.  So praying we have a happy Friday.

3 days in...

This two week wait thing sucks.  We had our IUI on Thursday and I'm feeling very positive about these results.  Have had some spotting as a result, which my doctor said could be expected.  For anyone who hasn't had IUI before and is curious, it is mildly painful, but honestly, at the moment, you don't care so much since you have all the hope in the world that it will be worth it. 

I've promised myself that I'm not going to allow myself to test until Valentine's Day.  That would be 11 DPO so hopefully, I'll get a positive and it will add to our celebrating.  I realize it could still be too early to test at that point, but I know I won't be able to resist.  I asked the Hubs to hide all of the pregnancy tests, but with most things, I need to remind him (poor guy has serious short-term memory loss) and I purposely didn't since I want to learn how to get some self control.  How pathetic am I?

On a side note, the heartburn has returned and I'm officially a blimp.  I knew I had gained some weight with the Femara (weird, but I don't think I do on the Clomid), but it just feels out of control.  I have to get a handle on this...my appetite has decreased again, but I just can't seem to get any energy to work out.  If I can do 30 minutes on the ellipitcal once a week, I'm ready to celebrate and make a banner to proclaim my success.  Sad, I know.

So, as I move on through the remaining 11 days (or one week, depending on which time I test), I must find ways to keep myself busy and my mind off of peeing on sticks. Maybe I should funnel all of this energy into working out?!?!  That would be a good idea...now just to put it into action.

Feeling like an eskimo

So, a blizzard has been declared for St. Louis.  The media has been reporting on it for days and have been creating panic all over the metro area.  I wasn't really concerned about it until work closed today - after sending us home at noon yesterday, which never happens.  The Hubs is still at work, fortunately on his way home, and me and the kitties are hunkered down in the house hoping we don't get barricaded in or lose power.  I've charged just about every battery we have, tracked down every flash light, lighter, candle and set of matches and am making sure all of the electronics are fully charged as well.  Hopefully, the Hubs will have the opportunity to finish laughing at me for all of this instead of me saying, "Told ya so."

Today is CD 14, which means that we're likely due for IUI in the next day or so.  I was supposed to have an acupuncture appointment tonight, but with the weather, they have closed the office.  I rescheduled for Thursday afternoon, hoping it won't be too late...I'm really putting all I have into this cycle.  I can't have it not work.  I've found new hope this time and was feeling really optimistic about things going our way this month.  I'm trying not to let the weather stress me.  If I can't get another acupuncture appointment in, it won't be the end of the world, but I know if I end up not preggers, I'll totally blame this stupid blizzard. 

I remember we had a snow and ice storm a few years ago and about 9 months after said storm, there were lots of babies being born.  I'm hoping that happens again and that we are one of many parents welcoming a new baby into this world.

Meanwhile, all this talk of blizzards is making me think of a different kind of blizzard.  Mmmm, blizzard...