It didn't work...

IUI #3 was a bust.  No matter how much I wanted it to work and believed that everything was pointing in the right direction for it to happen, it didn't.  I am finally realizing I have absolutely no control over this and no matter how much "sense" I think a certain cycle will make, it's just not going to happen on my terms...or maybe at all.  I'm done trying to think about what makes sense or what would be best for us or our situation.  I am scared to admit it, but I am honestly afraid that it just may not happen for us.

My "regular" OB is willing to try IUI #4 with the Femara as one last resort until the new doctor can see us.  Femara would start tomorrow and the new doctor, unfortunately, says he may not be able to see us until the Fall. Seriously?!?!  I have to believe if it's going to take two and a half seasons for someone to see us that this guy must be a God or a miracle worker or something.  I feel as though we have to try just one more time, but I'm so afraid of what we do until we can see someone else and get more help. 

Everyone who has ever "tried" has heard the saying, "Oh, you just have to relax and stop trying so hard and it will happen for you."  Once upon a time, I sorta believed this, but not any more.  I had read so many things that said how much BS it was that someone would blame stress on the not being able to join an egg and a sperm...but I accepted it.  For a while, that is.  I no longer believe that.

I've tried to talk to the Hubs about adoption.  Perhaps that's the only way we can be parents...but he's just not having much of an adult conversation right now.  I can't say I blame him, but I'm so afraid of not having a plan. 

Not sure what else to say about this post.  I'm at a loss.  I feel like I've been following a map and suddenly lost the map or lost my compass...and I just don't where to go.  I'm following the directions of other people at this point and don't know how to gain control again.  Where to go from here?  I have no idea, but I have to try IUI once again so I can admit that I've done what I've been "instructed."  What else is a people pleaser to do?

Please God help us.  Because I no longer believe that I can.