Happy birthday, baby

Today would have been our baby's 1st birthday.  It's such a beautiful day outside and would have been such a great day for a first birthday.  But instead, I'm sitting in bed sad, wondering what went wrong and if we will ever get a baby of our own.  No matter how much time goes by, I still think about that baby we never met and how different our lives would be if he or she would have been born. 

All along this terrible journey, I've thought things like, "Oh, if I don't have a baby by the first baby's due date, I'll quit trying," and would just keep making up new deadlines - the baby's first Christmas, the due date of my new niece and of course, eventually came to the first birthday of our baby - but we have kept on trying.  It's been exhausting in about every way possible - physically, emotionally, mentally and even exhausting enough that I'm tired of reading other blogs about infertility.  But for some reason, I keep on and I have to believe it's because we are meant to be parents and that some day soon, all of this will work out as we had hoped.  I hope that someday soon, I'm looking down at a tiny little face that WE created after years of sadness and disappointment.  But I can guarantee that no matter how far from today that is, we will never forgt the baby that we never met.

So to that baby hopefully waiting for us in heaven, I hope you know how much we love you and wish we could have met you.  You brought us so much happiness and joy in that short time you were in our lives.  And even though we never had the opportunity to hold you or kiss you or know your name, it is because of the thought of you that we continue to try for another baby.  We experienced a great amount of heartache when you left our lives, but because of the happiness that we had knowing you were there, we will never give up the chance to be "real" parents. 

Happy birthday, baby.  Somehow I feel that you gave us more gifts than we could have ever given you.  We love you and will never forget you.

Now what?

On Tuesday, I met with my regular doctor as a follow up to my unsuccessful fourth round of IUI.  I had an appointment scheduled with a new RE for October, so I was a bit upset that it was going to be so long for that, but I really wanted there to be some other step or test that we could have to look forward to instead of waiting until October for what would probably be IVF - a process of which I happen to be terrified of.  More on that later.

So, I arrived to my appointment armed with a list of tests that I wanted to have done - tests to check my clotting factors, to check for a very rare condition of Natural Killer Cells, and a few other things.  Fortunately or unfortunately (depending upon how you or I look at it), I've had all of those tests already done (and even a few more that test for even more rare conditions) and everything came back normal.  I had not realized that my doctor had already ordered these tests before with the numerous blood tests, etc. that I've already had done.  Why wouldn't he have?  I should have known this...he's that awesome.

After discussing the fact that my regular doctor has already done everything he can do for us, I told him that we didn't have an appointment with the new RE until October, to which he replied that October was way too far away.  So, he quickly had one of his nurses contact another doctor who made us an appointment for May 9th.  I was amazed!  I could not believe this was happening so quickly and was grateful that they were so nice to get me in so quickly (again, thanks to my wonderful doctor). 

I'll admit that at first, I was very sad that there was nothing else my doctor could do.  I felt totally deflated.  I guess I thought there was another step between him and a new doctor and IVF and I just wasn't ready for that.  Perhaps it is because I don't know enough about IVF and I don't even know where to begin in the research.  Unfortunately, there is so much information on the internet that I get overwhelmed when I type "IVF" into that little search box, so I end up closing out the page and just trying to forget about it.  I suppose my reaction to being informed that my doctor was at the end of his abilities was so easy to read because he quickly hugged me and promised me that it would happen for us and that I could not give up.  He's amazingly wonderful to say that, but I had a moment where I thought, "Yeah, right."  I mean, what else is he supposed to say, right?

After a bit of time (and again, finding out about my new appointment on May 9th!), I started to feel a little more positive about the possibilities and, dare I say it, maybe even a little excited for what is to come.  I happen to love being off the fertility meds this month and love feeling like I have my body and the control over it back again, but I suppose I'll give that up in a few months for another shot at holding a baby of our very own in my arms.  Honestly, what wouldn't I give up for that?  Um...nothing really.

F*ck signs!

Okay, before you jump to judging me for using the mother of all curse words in the title of my post, hear me out. 

If you have read any of my previous entries, you have most likely gotten the fact that I think everything is a "sign" and am always looking for the deeper meaning for why things happen, etc.  So today, I was chatting with a very good friend about our current situation.  I told her what we were up to now (see previous post) and how I was surprised at how well I've been handling interactions with our new niece (the Hubs on the other hand, seems to be having a little more trouble with it but more on that later).  I don't seem to be as sad as I thought I would be upon seeing her.  I just love to hold her and kiss her and stare at her little face wondering and hoping whether I'll have one of my own someday soon and that if I do, that he or she be just as perfect and precious as she is.  I was watching the Hubs hold her yesterday and was nearly brought to tears just watching him with her and our older niece.  He's just such a natural and doesn't even realize it.  Sometimes when I stop and start to think that maybe instead of being parents, we'll just be the best Aunt and Uncle there ever was, I realize how much I would hate to not be able to see him like this with children of our own.  Almost seems like a waste of such a great quality in a man.

So my friend, who we will call Judy, told me that I really couldn't give up.  That she thought we would make some of the best parents around and that regardless of what happens or how hard it is, we are meant to be parents.  And that brings me to the title of this post.  She said (and I quote), "No matter what, you can't give up.  You have got to stop taking things as a sign.  God takes good people and babies from this world everyday, so F*CK signs!"  And that is just exactly what I needed to hear from someone.  She was absolutely right.  Not saying that God is a horrible being, but it's true - awful things happen to wonderful people and innocent babies every single day.  It's not my job to try to find the meaning to all of it.  We just have to accept it, make the best of what we can and move on.  It's really all we can do. 

So my new mantra is "F*ck signs!"  I'm making my own and all signs point to this one:

Avoidance

I haven't updated my blog in a while and I suppose that it's due to the fact that I feel like I'm writing the same stuff all over again.  From this, you can probably guess that IUI #4 was a bust and I'm once again in limbo.

I was feeling so great about the IUI working this past time, too.  I had an acupuncture session on day 12 which, according to my acupuncturist, is the "optimal" day.  My IUI was on a Sunday and God bless the doctor and his nurse who came in to perform it for me.  I was really hoping that it would all be worth the hassle and everyone's time and actually work.  But on March 22, Aunt Flo arrived with her lovely gift to me.  Fun times.

I also have a brand new niece...just two days old.  And man is she gorgeous.  Holding her today just reaffirmed that I will do whatever it takes to have one of my own.  I couldn't help but keep staring at her just wondering if anyone else realized what a complete miracle she is.  She's beautiful and perfect and I wish I could steal her and have her as my own.  Love her already!

The Hubs and I are set to see my regular doctor on Tuesday.  We're going to ask if there is anything we can do while we wait to see our new RE (whom we aren't scheduled to see until October!!!).  I wasn't sure if there were any tests or other methods we could get out of the way before seeing him.  And it sounds as if IVF is the way the new RE is going to go, according to the phone conversation I had with his nurse.  I've debated making another appointment at my current RE's office - maybe with one of the other doctors - to see what we can accomplish in the interim.  I just don't know that I can wait until October.  But then again, being off of the meds and not stressing about ovulation testing and scheduled intercourse is a bit of a relief.

So, I'm going to work on my golf game and some photography to keep my mind occupied.  But seeing that little baby every day (and I can't help but want to see her every day) isn't making this wait any easier.