My little rain cloud...

Thursday night, which happened to be Thanksgiving, I was sitting downstairs playing with my niece when I was summoned upstairs.  For what, I did not know, but I soon found out.

My sister-in-law is pregnant with their second child, another tiny little girl due in April (very close to what would have been my baby's first birthday).  I'm completely happy for them and thrilled to have another niece, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of her.  The Hubs and I have always been the type to "have a plan" and overanalyze everything - and despite all of this, things still go completely wrong for us and never work out like we had hoped.  My sister-in-law and her husband, on the other hand, always seem to have the best of luck when it doesn't even appear that they put a whole lot of thought into whatever it is that they are doing.  I am really trying to take note of this and implement it into my life.  And please don't get me wrong, I know this is not their fault, but I can't help but just want to scream at each new announcement of good news that they make.

So this brings me back to why I was called upstairs.  It was to have all of the family crowd around the television as we watched the ultrasound video of my unborn niece.  What a moment.  As we sat there watching my tiny little niece's arms and legs wiggle around, it took just about everything out of me to not burst out crying right there.  But instead, I held it in, making the appropriate "oohs" and "awws" and faking my excitement and happiness to be spending Thanksgiving - of all nights - watching something that I may never get to see myself.  I know, I am a horrible person.

In addition, I kept thinking that in just a few short days, I'll be having an ultrasound done, but not at all like the one my sis-in-law just had.  Instead of the cold gel being squirted on my tummy as the wand waves over it, I'll be getting a camera shoved up my hoo-ha so they can figure out whether my uterine lining is too thin.  And instead of being happy and smiling as I watch my unborn baby wiggle around my tummy, I'll be lying there tense as hell and not quite sure whether I hope they find something good or bad.  Of course, no one wants bad news, but even if they say everything is "good" and "normal," that will only kill me more since we'll have done one more thing to get nowhere further to an explanation for why it's not working.  So aggravating.

It's important to note that as I was watching that video, I was also made extremely emotional by the incredible notion of it all.  A baby is a miraculous thing, a special thing, and I don't always know that people who can just "have babies" realize just how fortunate they are.  God they really should.  It truly is amazing; and how great it must feel to be watching the little baby that is developing inside of you.  Each time I have an ultrasound, I pray that they notice a tiny fetus in there.  No suck luck yet.

So while I did try to focus on the things I'm most grateful for this Thanksgiving, it was a little harder to stay away from being completely focused on the things I'm LEAST grateful for...and unfortunately, that list is getting much longer than my "most" list.  I know I'm being negative and I know I have so much to be thankful for, but it's so hard sometimes to not just go ahead and play Eeyore.  And I hate being Eeyore.

But I can't help but relate to one of his best-known quotes: "There is only one rain cloud in the sky...and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised." 

I was on a message board this evening with other women who are going through the same challenges and I saw these two quotes that I just had to borrow and post.  I felt like these two quotes were speaking directly to me at a time when I'm ready to give in.  And I needed to start quoting someone other than pathetic, little Eeyore.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."   -- Dale Carnegie

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."   --Thomas A. Edison

I must remember to be grateful for every positive thing I have in my life - and to really pay attention to the simple things that I probably take for granted every day.  And I must also remember to never give up.  No matter how dark that little rain cloud above my head is, I must not give up.  And I won't.

Steady As We Go...

"A positive pregnancy test in no way means that you will be delivering a baby in nine months, it's merely a faint possibility."

I was reminded of this once again tonight while online.  I really gotta stop getting on the internet at night after the Hubs goes to bed.  Not only does it make me stay up way too late (and I'm already sleeping horribly due to night sweats), but it sends me into a spiral of "overthinking".  So here I am to write about it.

I took my last dose of Clomid today.  When I say "today", I actually mean tonight - just an hour or so ago.  Oops!  I guess you're supposed to take it at the same time every day and I forgot...I guess.  Who knows, maybe me taking my last dose of Clomid 12 hours later than usual is just the kick my ovaries need to get me knocked up.  Only time will tell.  In about 7-9 days, I'll be looking at IUI #3 and God knows I need it to work this time.  And for good.

I have been feeling incredibly guilty lately because I'm really starting to think I'm about to give up if this whole thing doesn't work this time.  There are so many more people who have been through so much more than we have, I realize that - so why do I already want to join the Quitter's Club?  It's not that I'm done with wanting to be a mom; I'm just over the temperature taking, cervical mucus analyzing (sorry if TMI), clinical sex, drugs - and most of all, the "overthinking" which I'm guilty of right now.  I honestly think I could take the hot flashes, horrible skin, weight fluctuations and feeling like my uterus is falling out if I didn't have to deal with the emotional and psychological stresses.  It's exhausting in just about every way possible.  I just want it to happen naturally and I resent my body for not allowing that to happen.

Every month on Cycle Day 1 (or sometimes before then when I know it's coming anyway), I start to figure out the estimated due date if we were fortunate enough to get pregnant this time.  Then I work backwards - thinking about when we would find out the sex, when it would be the "safe time" to tell our family, when we would find out if we were pregnant, when my fertile time is, etc.  But it's important to note that more than anything, I think about that "safe time".  The magical end to the first trimester.  I almost wish I could sleep through the period from conception to the 13th week of pregnancy to feel more confident that it was really gonna happen for us.

We've all heard the saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  I do absolutely believe that, but I'm with the guy who said, "Well why does He trust ME so much?"

I really want to believe that all of this waiting has been for a reason.  Maybe me and the Hubs are going to win it big in the Lottery (even though we don't play...note to self to buy a ticket) and our new-found money will allow us to travel the world and adopt a very needy child while in Guatemala (take that Brangelina!).  Maybe the one good egg that will finally fertilize will contain the genes of the most kind, beautiful, intelligent person this world has ever seen and this Miracle Child will grow up to cure cancer or Parkinson's or even unexplained fertilty (ironic, huh?).  Or maybe, I'm just being taught patience.  I found a quote by a man named Elliot Paul (whom I haven't yet decided whether I hate or admire), which says, "Patience makes a women beautiful in middle age”.  As much as I'd love to pretend that my ever-growing patience has somehow made me more attractive, I just turned 30 less than three months ago, so I refuse to accept that this is middle age.  Geesh...talk about a back-handed compliment.  I think I hate Elliot Paul.

At our wedding four and a half years ago, my husband and I first danced to a song by Dave Matthews called "Steady As We Go."  We picked this song for a couple of reasons:  First, we absolutely love Dave.  Second, we had already been through so much together that we knew that the challenges we faced together in the future would only bring us closer together.  The song really was our song to each other. 

As I listen to this song tonight, I'm reminded of our beautiful wedding and inspired to keep these lyrics in mind:

I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

We will get through this together - and as hard as it has been and may be, we'll be stronger in the end because of it.  And perhaps even a little better in the end...whatever that may be.

So here's the song...Steady As We Go.  I should listen to this more often...

We get by with a little help from our friends...

...even if you've never even met those "friends" before.  I started feeling sorry for myself again today...mostly because I woke up with a horn growing between my eyebrows thanks to the drugs I've started taking again.  Not only do I get to wake up multiple times throughout the night due to the hotflashes I'm enduring, but now I get to resemble a rhinoceros.  Great.

So, I got on the internet to research acne treatments for women trying to conceive.  I can tell you that before I started this whole ordeal, I had pretty good skin.  Not model good, but it was fine.  For almost two years now, I've been unable to use any "real" acne medications and although I'm not quite positive they would help (I'm sure this is the result of hormonal fluctuations and stress), it would be nice to know that there was something with some proof of help in my future.  So, that brings me back to being on the internet...and I get on http://www.thebump.com/.  I tend to quietly lurk around the "Trouble TTC" (trying to conceive) board reading about everything from side effects of drugs to inspirational stories and vent sessions.  I think I've only made posts twice and both times were shortly after my miscarriage - just responding to other poor women who were experiencing the same loss as me.

One thing I stumbled upon tonight is a little poem that really hit me where I needed it.  I'm sharing it now in hopes that it helps me remember what all of this was for...since I can't really find a reason for it on my own (and I'm totally someone who believes everything happens for a reason). 

We do all get by with a little help from our friends, even those friends we have never really met before.  To my new friend, thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my chid.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that I have been given this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that I am led to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

My first post - the backstory

I can't believe I'm actually doing this.  For quite some time now, I've thought to myself that putting my feelings and fears into writing might actually be a good thing.  Perhaps it will help me through it all, perhaps it will help others who are going through the same thing (provided anyone other than me actually reads this) - but I really hope that years from now when I'm a mother crazed with screaming kids (and I always pray that I'll have the most well-behaved children ever, but let's be real), I'll look back and remember what I went through to get there - and it will remind me that it's all worth it.  At least I hope so.

It's been nearly two years that my husband, the love of my life and my high school sweetheart, and I have been trying to be parents.  I always had a feeling that it wouldn't come easy for us - since nothing ever does - but I would have never dreamt it would be this challenging.  I like to think that we are both good people...we are really the typical "do the right thing" couple.  So why doesn't good fortune just follow us around like karma promises? 

We were pregnant last year.  It happened not too long after we started trying, so were very excited, of course, and couldn't wait to meet our new little guy or gal.  The birthday would have been around April 11, 2010 and we literally started counting down the days from the minute we found out we were pregnant.  To say we were ecstatic was an understatement. 

Obviously, I wouldn't be writing this blog if we hadn't lost our baby.  It was August 17th - the miscarriage started a few days before that, but this was the day that the doctors confirmed that it wasn't going to stay with us.  We were devastated.  I cried for months - and still do - and couldn't help from wondering what I did wrong, why we didn't deserve it and whether my husband hated me for losing our baby.  I now realize that many of these thoughts were simply crazy (I was dealing with some hormonal issues after all), but I still wonder how our lives would be if this baby (whom I have named Alex) was with us right now. 

We are currently on our 3rd round of IUI with no reason at all for why we can't get pregnant again.  Every month is a rollercoaster of emotions - not just because of the fertility drugs, but because I go back and forth between thinking I'm pregnant and not, wondering if this means we should just give up or not and then the worry that if that second little line finally does turn blue again, that I'll just start waiting for it to go away again.  This is my absolute worst fear.  I know what I can handle and another miscarriage is not one of those things.  It will truly break me.

So we'll move forward with this new month of possibilities and say a little prayer that we will be getting a little extra Christmas present this year: that second little blue line - a BABY! 

Here's hoping...