My little rain cloud...

Thursday night, which happened to be Thanksgiving, I was sitting downstairs playing with my niece when I was summoned upstairs.  For what, I did not know, but I soon found out.

My sister-in-law is pregnant with their second child, another tiny little girl due in April (very close to what would have been my baby's first birthday).  I'm completely happy for them and thrilled to have another niece, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous of her.  The Hubs and I have always been the type to "have a plan" and overanalyze everything - and despite all of this, things still go completely wrong for us and never work out like we had hoped.  My sister-in-law and her husband, on the other hand, always seem to have the best of luck when it doesn't even appear that they put a whole lot of thought into whatever it is that they are doing.  I am really trying to take note of this and implement it into my life.  And please don't get me wrong, I know this is not their fault, but I can't help but just want to scream at each new announcement of good news that they make.

So this brings me back to why I was called upstairs.  It was to have all of the family crowd around the television as we watched the ultrasound video of my unborn niece.  What a moment.  As we sat there watching my tiny little niece's arms and legs wiggle around, it took just about everything out of me to not burst out crying right there.  But instead, I held it in, making the appropriate "oohs" and "awws" and faking my excitement and happiness to be spending Thanksgiving - of all nights - watching something that I may never get to see myself.  I know, I am a horrible person.

In addition, I kept thinking that in just a few short days, I'll be having an ultrasound done, but not at all like the one my sis-in-law just had.  Instead of the cold gel being squirted on my tummy as the wand waves over it, I'll be getting a camera shoved up my hoo-ha so they can figure out whether my uterine lining is too thin.  And instead of being happy and smiling as I watch my unborn baby wiggle around my tummy, I'll be lying there tense as hell and not quite sure whether I hope they find something good or bad.  Of course, no one wants bad news, but even if they say everything is "good" and "normal," that will only kill me more since we'll have done one more thing to get nowhere further to an explanation for why it's not working.  So aggravating.

It's important to note that as I was watching that video, I was also made extremely emotional by the incredible notion of it all.  A baby is a miraculous thing, a special thing, and I don't always know that people who can just "have babies" realize just how fortunate they are.  God they really should.  It truly is amazing; and how great it must feel to be watching the little baby that is developing inside of you.  Each time I have an ultrasound, I pray that they notice a tiny fetus in there.  No suck luck yet.

So while I did try to focus on the things I'm most grateful for this Thanksgiving, it was a little harder to stay away from being completely focused on the things I'm LEAST grateful for...and unfortunately, that list is getting much longer than my "most" list.  I know I'm being negative and I know I have so much to be thankful for, but it's so hard sometimes to not just go ahead and play Eeyore.  And I hate being Eeyore.

But I can't help but relate to one of his best-known quotes: "There is only one rain cloud in the sky...and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised." 

I was on a message board this evening with other women who are going through the same challenges and I saw these two quotes that I just had to borrow and post.  I felt like these two quotes were speaking directly to me at a time when I'm ready to give in.  And I needed to start quoting someone other than pathetic, little Eeyore.

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."   -- Dale Carnegie

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."   --Thomas A. Edison

I must remember to be grateful for every positive thing I have in my life - and to really pay attention to the simple things that I probably take for granted every day.  And I must also remember to never give up.  No matter how dark that little rain cloud above my head is, I must not give up.  And I won't.