Steady As We Go...

"A positive pregnancy test in no way means that you will be delivering a baby in nine months, it's merely a faint possibility."

I was reminded of this once again tonight while online.  I really gotta stop getting on the internet at night after the Hubs goes to bed.  Not only does it make me stay up way too late (and I'm already sleeping horribly due to night sweats), but it sends me into a spiral of "overthinking".  So here I am to write about it.

I took my last dose of Clomid today.  When I say "today", I actually mean tonight - just an hour or so ago.  Oops!  I guess you're supposed to take it at the same time every day and I forgot...I guess.  Who knows, maybe me taking my last dose of Clomid 12 hours later than usual is just the kick my ovaries need to get me knocked up.  Only time will tell.  In about 7-9 days, I'll be looking at IUI #3 and God knows I need it to work this time.  And for good.

I have been feeling incredibly guilty lately because I'm really starting to think I'm about to give up if this whole thing doesn't work this time.  There are so many more people who have been through so much more than we have, I realize that - so why do I already want to join the Quitter's Club?  It's not that I'm done with wanting to be a mom; I'm just over the temperature taking, cervical mucus analyzing (sorry if TMI), clinical sex, drugs - and most of all, the "overthinking" which I'm guilty of right now.  I honestly think I could take the hot flashes, horrible skin, weight fluctuations and feeling like my uterus is falling out if I didn't have to deal with the emotional and psychological stresses.  It's exhausting in just about every way possible.  I just want it to happen naturally and I resent my body for not allowing that to happen.

Every month on Cycle Day 1 (or sometimes before then when I know it's coming anyway), I start to figure out the estimated due date if we were fortunate enough to get pregnant this time.  Then I work backwards - thinking about when we would find out the sex, when it would be the "safe time" to tell our family, when we would find out if we were pregnant, when my fertile time is, etc.  But it's important to note that more than anything, I think about that "safe time".  The magical end to the first trimester.  I almost wish I could sleep through the period from conception to the 13th week of pregnancy to feel more confident that it was really gonna happen for us.

We've all heard the saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  I do absolutely believe that, but I'm with the guy who said, "Well why does He trust ME so much?"

I really want to believe that all of this waiting has been for a reason.  Maybe me and the Hubs are going to win it big in the Lottery (even though we don't play...note to self to buy a ticket) and our new-found money will allow us to travel the world and adopt a very needy child while in Guatemala (take that Brangelina!).  Maybe the one good egg that will finally fertilize will contain the genes of the most kind, beautiful, intelligent person this world has ever seen and this Miracle Child will grow up to cure cancer or Parkinson's or even unexplained fertilty (ironic, huh?).  Or maybe, I'm just being taught patience.  I found a quote by a man named Elliot Paul (whom I haven't yet decided whether I hate or admire), which says, "Patience makes a women beautiful in middle age”.  As much as I'd love to pretend that my ever-growing patience has somehow made me more attractive, I just turned 30 less than three months ago, so I refuse to accept that this is middle age.  Geesh...talk about a back-handed compliment.  I think I hate Elliot Paul.

At our wedding four and a half years ago, my husband and I first danced to a song by Dave Matthews called "Steady As We Go."  We picked this song for a couple of reasons:  First, we absolutely love Dave.  Second, we had already been through so much together that we knew that the challenges we faced together in the future would only bring us closer together.  The song really was our song to each other. 

As I listen to this song tonight, I'm reminded of our beautiful wedding and inspired to keep these lyrics in mind:

I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky, girl
Just steady as we go

We will get through this together - and as hard as it has been and may be, we'll be stronger in the end because of it.  And perhaps even a little better in the end...whatever that may be.

So here's the song...Steady As We Go.  I should listen to this more often...