My first post - the backstory

I can't believe I'm actually doing this.  For quite some time now, I've thought to myself that putting my feelings and fears into writing might actually be a good thing.  Perhaps it will help me through it all, perhaps it will help others who are going through the same thing (provided anyone other than me actually reads this) - but I really hope that years from now when I'm a mother crazed with screaming kids (and I always pray that I'll have the most well-behaved children ever, but let's be real), I'll look back and remember what I went through to get there - and it will remind me that it's all worth it.  At least I hope so.

It's been nearly two years that my husband, the love of my life and my high school sweetheart, and I have been trying to be parents.  I always had a feeling that it wouldn't come easy for us - since nothing ever does - but I would have never dreamt it would be this challenging.  I like to think that we are both good people...we are really the typical "do the right thing" couple.  So why doesn't good fortune just follow us around like karma promises? 

We were pregnant last year.  It happened not too long after we started trying, so were very excited, of course, and couldn't wait to meet our new little guy or gal.  The birthday would have been around April 11, 2010 and we literally started counting down the days from the minute we found out we were pregnant.  To say we were ecstatic was an understatement. 

Obviously, I wouldn't be writing this blog if we hadn't lost our baby.  It was August 17th - the miscarriage started a few days before that, but this was the day that the doctors confirmed that it wasn't going to stay with us.  We were devastated.  I cried for months - and still do - and couldn't help from wondering what I did wrong, why we didn't deserve it and whether my husband hated me for losing our baby.  I now realize that many of these thoughts were simply crazy (I was dealing with some hormonal issues after all), but I still wonder how our lives would be if this baby (whom I have named Alex) was with us right now. 

We are currently on our 3rd round of IUI with no reason at all for why we can't get pregnant again.  Every month is a rollercoaster of emotions - not just because of the fertility drugs, but because I go back and forth between thinking I'm pregnant and not, wondering if this means we should just give up or not and then the worry that if that second little line finally does turn blue again, that I'll just start waiting for it to go away again.  This is my absolute worst fear.  I know what I can handle and another miscarriage is not one of those things.  It will truly break me.

So we'll move forward with this new month of possibilities and say a little prayer that we will be getting a little extra Christmas present this year: that second little blue line - a BABY! 

Here's hoping...