I do, I do, I do!!!
I don't seem to remember feeling so "yuck" the last time I was on Femara, but I'm feeling it this time. Although I have a never-ending appetite, I am having some cramping, back pain, headaches and just general lethargy. I managed to get my butt on the elliptical last night (it felt great!) and am hoping I can convince myself to do the same tonight...but I just feel like poo!!!
I'm hoping that by calling myself out here for being lazy while I feel so blubbery and gross that it will be the kick I need to work out again tonight.
.....
Still sitting here...watching Teen Mom. Why do I do this to myself???
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
More about today...
Since I never really closed out my last cycle, I thought I should go ahead and update now. Dear Aunt Flo came to me last Wednesday, so today is Cycle Day 6, my second day on Femara. So far, I can feel some abdominal discomfort and cannot stop eating, but it's nothing compared to the Clomid. We're going for IUI at my OB/Gyn's office (not the RE) and will see how this goes until we can get in to see the new doctor. Oh, have I mentioned that I haven't even made that appointment yet? Better get on it. I guess I'm holding off hoping that it really happens this time...
My youngest cousin had her baby girl on Saturday. We visited her yesterday and my God was she beautiful. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous as hell!!! What amazed me is that I think seeing this little gal bothered the Hubs more than it bothered me. I'm not sure why I wasn't more upset about it...I guess I just figured she wasn't ours and that our baby is still waiting for us. I think it's also in my head that we are meant to be parents to boys. Who knows, but I was thrilled not to finish the night sobbing and bawling my eyes out. I'm ugly when I cry!
I have my third acupuncture appointment on Wednesday and then will go back to see him two times next week since IUI should happen somewhere around next Friday. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins like a good girl, have gone back on the baby aspirin, and am keeping a positive attitude. Bring on our October baby!!!
My youngest cousin had her baby girl on Saturday. We visited her yesterday and my God was she beautiful. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous as hell!!! What amazed me is that I think seeing this little gal bothered the Hubs more than it bothered me. I'm not sure why I wasn't more upset about it...I guess I just figured she wasn't ours and that our baby is still waiting for us. I think it's also in my head that we are meant to be parents to boys. Who knows, but I was thrilled not to finish the night sobbing and bawling my eyes out. I'm ugly when I cry!
I have my third acupuncture appointment on Wednesday and then will go back to see him two times next week since IUI should happen somewhere around next Friday. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins like a good girl, have gone back on the baby aspirin, and am keeping a positive attitude. Bring on our October baby!!!
Memories Remain
Two years ago today, I lost my uncle. He was shot and killed - no one knows by whom or why - and I will never understand how someone can have so little consideration for someone else's life that they can just take it away like that.
Believe it or not, our family actually became closer and stronger after his loss. I can't help but think that it's all thanks to him.
I have to take a moment (or two or fifty) today to remember the little things, the amazing people and the moments that make our lives memorable. I will never again see a powder blue Trans Am or hear a Journey song without thinking of him. And I'm so thankful to have those memories...fortunately, they will never go away.
Remembering you today and always. RIP Uncle John.
"Send Her My Love" - Journey
Believe it or not, our family actually became closer and stronger after his loss. I can't help but think that it's all thanks to him.
I have to take a moment (or two or fifty) today to remember the little things, the amazing people and the moments that make our lives memorable. I will never again see a powder blue Trans Am or hear a Journey song without thinking of him. And I'm so thankful to have those memories...fortunately, they will never go away.
Remembering you today and always. RIP Uncle John.
"Send Her My Love" - Journey
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Glass half full
Last night, I was finally able to fall asleep rather easily (to be specific, it was 8pm - and it was glorious). However, my slumber didn't last long as I woke up several times throughout the night; the most lengthy of the wake-ups being at 3am where I was up for about two hours.
Other than infomercials (which are dangerous for me...I always buy!), there really isn't much else on television at that time of the morning. And when you can't fall asleep, you're desperate. Anyhow, I managed to stumble upon an episode of "Oprah." While I have a great deal of respect for Oprah (don't judge me or hate me if you disagree, I'm not a super-fan or anything), I cannot even tell you the last time I saw an episode of her show. This particular show was not the one I needed to find today.
The show was about a couple who lost their three children in a terrible car accident. Miraculously, the couple conceived triplets (two girls and a boy - just like their other children) and had them almost a year to the day that they lost their children. Instant goosebumps, right? Yeah, that plus many, many, many, many tears for me. And when I start crying, it's really hard to stop...so it was not good. The couple ("The Cobles") talked about how they each thought about suicide, but through their grief counseling (which they are thankful they took), they were able to keep the lines of communication between them open at all times and were able to be honest with one another about what they were thinking. They decided to make a pact that they wouldn't do anything to leave the other alone...they knew they were the only two people who know what they were going through and for one to be without the other, things would only be a million times worse.
I was so impressed and amazed by the strength of these two. First of all, I commend them for immediately seeking counseling - and not to be sexist or anything, but I was really proud of the husband for being so willing to go to counseling and be open with his wife about his feelings and thoughts. I know, for one, that is not how my husband is at all. This man said that if he would have kept his feelings bottled up and never shared them with his wife, who knows what he would have done. Not to mention the fact that the closed communication would have really probably pushed them apart and been terrible for their marriage.
Oprah kept saying how the overall message of this episode is for people to realize that no matter how low you are in your life, you can get through it and miracles do happen. It was such a great story and really made me step back and realize that things could be so much worse. I hope to God that I never have to endure the pain and suffering that the Cobles had to experience. I can't imagine even losing one of your children like that...miscarriage was hard enough on me and my marriage, I wouldn't want to test it any more.
Throughout the day today, even though I am incredibly tired, I would think back to that inspirational couple and remind myself that it's not so bad. Sure, my life hasn't been as easy and happy as the lives of many other people, but I could never come anywhere near what this poor family had to experience.
I had my second acupuncture appointment today (which I love - more on that in another post later) and while I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant this month, I don't feel sad. I feel hope and optimism with the plans for us in the future and I will never forget the couple I saw on television at 3am this morning. They are truly inspiring to those of us who have struggled and been challenged through life. For those of us who are considered the "fighters", I am confident that we come out better people on the other end and have the horrible things in our life to thank for making us that way.
I will never forget the baby we lost and I can't lie and say I won't have days where the struggles of trying to have a baby will make me sad or depressed, but I can be certain that I will also remember that it could be worse, we can get through it and that miracles do happen.
May God bless the Coble family and their dear children they lost. I may have never met them, but they will always be in my thoughts.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Coble-Family-Miracle
Other than infomercials (which are dangerous for me...I always buy!), there really isn't much else on television at that time of the morning. And when you can't fall asleep, you're desperate. Anyhow, I managed to stumble upon an episode of "Oprah." While I have a great deal of respect for Oprah (don't judge me or hate me if you disagree, I'm not a super-fan or anything), I cannot even tell you the last time I saw an episode of her show. This particular show was not the one I needed to find today.
The show was about a couple who lost their three children in a terrible car accident. Miraculously, the couple conceived triplets (two girls and a boy - just like their other children) and had them almost a year to the day that they lost their children. Instant goosebumps, right? Yeah, that plus many, many, many, many tears for me. And when I start crying, it's really hard to stop...so it was not good. The couple ("The Cobles") talked about how they each thought about suicide, but through their grief counseling (which they are thankful they took), they were able to keep the lines of communication between them open at all times and were able to be honest with one another about what they were thinking. They decided to make a pact that they wouldn't do anything to leave the other alone...they knew they were the only two people who know what they were going through and for one to be without the other, things would only be a million times worse.
I was so impressed and amazed by the strength of these two. First of all, I commend them for immediately seeking counseling - and not to be sexist or anything, but I was really proud of the husband for being so willing to go to counseling and be open with his wife about his feelings and thoughts. I know, for one, that is not how my husband is at all. This man said that if he would have kept his feelings bottled up and never shared them with his wife, who knows what he would have done. Not to mention the fact that the closed communication would have really probably pushed them apart and been terrible for their marriage.
Oprah kept saying how the overall message of this episode is for people to realize that no matter how low you are in your life, you can get through it and miracles do happen. It was such a great story and really made me step back and realize that things could be so much worse. I hope to God that I never have to endure the pain and suffering that the Cobles had to experience. I can't imagine even losing one of your children like that...miscarriage was hard enough on me and my marriage, I wouldn't want to test it any more.
Throughout the day today, even though I am incredibly tired, I would think back to that inspirational couple and remind myself that it's not so bad. Sure, my life hasn't been as easy and happy as the lives of many other people, but I could never come anywhere near what this poor family had to experience.
I had my second acupuncture appointment today (which I love - more on that in another post later) and while I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant this month, I don't feel sad. I feel hope and optimism with the plans for us in the future and I will never forget the couple I saw on television at 3am this morning. They are truly inspiring to those of us who have struggled and been challenged through life. For those of us who are considered the "fighters", I am confident that we come out better people on the other end and have the horrible things in our life to thank for making us that way.
I will never forget the baby we lost and I can't lie and say I won't have days where the struggles of trying to have a baby will make me sad or depressed, but I can be certain that I will also remember that it could be worse, we can get through it and that miracles do happen.
May God bless the Coble family and their dear children they lost. I may have never met them, but they will always be in my thoughts.
http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Coble-Family-Miracle
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Renewed Hope
Despite some drama at work, today was a good day. A very good day. I had my annual well-woman exam (I hate that name...well woman? really?) scheduled with my regular OB/GYN (whom I adore) and I must say I was totally dreading it. I had put off scheduling this appointment with the thought that I'd get pregnant and it wouldn't be necessary because I'd be there for my OB appointments anyway. Obviously I was wrong.
So as my last post revealed, I was in a pretty negative mood, already deciding that this month is also a bust (even though I'm only about 3-4 days past ovulation - DPO) and that I was ready to give up and take a break for an undetermined length of time. Fortunately, I left my appointment with a much different outlook and plan. I literally had to restrain myself from squealing and skipping out to my car.
I mentioned that I adore my OB/GYN. Not only do I adore him, I adore almost every single person who works in his office. They seem to have all the time in the world to talk to you about your problems even though they are an extremely busy office - and they care, they really care. I must confess that I am aware of how busy they are, so really truly try not to take up all of their time. So I arrive to my appointment, chat with the office manager, then head into the room for my talk with the doctor. He of course comes in and starts out with asking how I'm doing. I give my standard reply: "I'm doing okay."
"Just okay?" he asks, "Why just okay?" He then asks about how things have been going with the RE and what they've done. For the sake of keeping this entry from being extremely lengthy, I'll abbreviate the rest of the appointment to just say that at this point, I'm not returning to my RE's office if I'm not pregnant this month. My regular OB (whom we will now refer to as Dr. DR) is going to switch me to Femara (for a variety of reasons) which I have taken before, he is going to handle the IUI in his office and assured me he would come in on a weekend, at night, whatever we needed to do the inseminations. Did I mention how much I love him? In addition, after sharing with him some crazy clotting and cramping I was having during my period of my second month on Clomid (sorry if TMI), he tells me that it was quite possibly an early pregnancy miscarriage and my RE shouldn't have disregarded my concerns, they should have had me come in to check it out. I really hate to think that I might have gotten preggers again and lost it - multiple miscarriages on top of trouble conceiving might just send me over the edge - so I'm trying not to concentrate on it too much.
He's also referring me to another RE that he's going to try to help us get into without the 4-5 month wait. But keep in mind that in the mean time, as we wait to see this new doctor, Dr. DR (whom I adore) is going to take care of us and try to help us.
I felt so much better leaving his office today with this new plan. All of my fears and thoughts were validated by him and he has given me a renewed sense of hope for us to keep going.
Tomorrow night is my first acupuncture consult/appointment, so I am feeling good about what is to come. Let's just pray I don't lose my hope again...
Below is a picture of me showing how I feel today. Okay, it's not really me, but it shows how I feel...if I were pale with two pieces of hair and a stick figure.
So as my last post revealed, I was in a pretty negative mood, already deciding that this month is also a bust (even though I'm only about 3-4 days past ovulation - DPO) and that I was ready to give up and take a break for an undetermined length of time. Fortunately, I left my appointment with a much different outlook and plan. I literally had to restrain myself from squealing and skipping out to my car.
I mentioned that I adore my OB/GYN. Not only do I adore him, I adore almost every single person who works in his office. They seem to have all the time in the world to talk to you about your problems even though they are an extremely busy office - and they care, they really care. I must confess that I am aware of how busy they are, so really truly try not to take up all of their time. So I arrive to my appointment, chat with the office manager, then head into the room for my talk with the doctor. He of course comes in and starts out with asking how I'm doing. I give my standard reply: "I'm doing okay."
"Just okay?" he asks, "Why just okay?" He then asks about how things have been going with the RE and what they've done. For the sake of keeping this entry from being extremely lengthy, I'll abbreviate the rest of the appointment to just say that at this point, I'm not returning to my RE's office if I'm not pregnant this month. My regular OB (whom we will now refer to as Dr. DR) is going to switch me to Femara (for a variety of reasons) which I have taken before, he is going to handle the IUI in his office and assured me he would come in on a weekend, at night, whatever we needed to do the inseminations. Did I mention how much I love him? In addition, after sharing with him some crazy clotting and cramping I was having during my period of my second month on Clomid (sorry if TMI), he tells me that it was quite possibly an early pregnancy miscarriage and my RE shouldn't have disregarded my concerns, they should have had me come in to check it out. I really hate to think that I might have gotten preggers again and lost it - multiple miscarriages on top of trouble conceiving might just send me over the edge - so I'm trying not to concentrate on it too much.
He's also referring me to another RE that he's going to try to help us get into without the 4-5 month wait. But keep in mind that in the mean time, as we wait to see this new doctor, Dr. DR (whom I adore) is going to take care of us and try to help us.
I felt so much better leaving his office today with this new plan. All of my fears and thoughts were validated by him and he has given me a renewed sense of hope for us to keep going.
Tomorrow night is my first acupuncture consult/appointment, so I am feeling good about what is to come. Let's just pray I don't lose my hope again...
Below is a picture of me showing how I feel today. Okay, it's not really me, but it shows how I feel...if I were pale with two pieces of hair and a stick figure.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Year...
It's funny to me that a new year has begun because I really don't feel it. I have high hopes for 2011, but I don't feel like they are "in play" yet. We weren't able to do IUI this month since my surge was on Friday and my RE's office was closed on Friday and Saturday and Sunday. Going in on Monday would have probably been a waste, so they advised that we time intercourse instead. So we did. But I'm not feeling good about it for some reason.
I have an appointment with my regular OB/GYN tomorrow (for a well-woman exam) and I'm a bit interested to hear if he's with me on taking a break for a while. I really don't feel that my RE's office is helping much. They give me Clomid and do the same thing every month. Sure, we haven't been able to do IUI the past two months, but I just feel like they should be doing some sort of monitoring or additional testing to make sure that our timing is right. I mean, what if I surge for like 48 hours or more before I actually ovulate and that's why we're missing it? I suppose there could be all sorts of reasons for why it's not working, but since I don't know enough about all of this, that's why I would rely on them. And I feel like they are failing me.
I also have my first appointment with my acupuncturist on Wednesday evening. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. Not that I'm scared of the tiny needles, I'm really not. My first appointment will be more of a "chat and therapy" session than anything and while I feel that may help me, I'm a little nervous about opening up (and yes, the possibility of getting all emotional) with someone I just met. I am also really nervous about the possibility of this not working. I know, I know...I'm not being very good at being optimistic (one of my resolutions - along with working out 3-4 times per week and I haven't done that very well either). I am so scared of another thing that I'm hopeful and positive about to fail me.
The Hubs and I have been chatting and we're both pretty much in the same place right now. We feel like we just need a break for a while. No more drugs, ovulation tests or timed sex...just to give us a break for a while and let us go back to being us. I am sure I'm going to have a hard time with this...I have been tracking my temperature for nearly two years now and monitoring my fertile times, so it will be a huge change to stop all of this. But it will sure be a relief if I can give it up for a while.
So here's to a new year of new possibilities and new options. If I don't end up preggers this month, then back to "natural and relaxed." Hopefully. We shall see.
Hoping for a happy new year...
I have an appointment with my regular OB/GYN tomorrow (for a well-woman exam) and I'm a bit interested to hear if he's with me on taking a break for a while. I really don't feel that my RE's office is helping much. They give me Clomid and do the same thing every month. Sure, we haven't been able to do IUI the past two months, but I just feel like they should be doing some sort of monitoring or additional testing to make sure that our timing is right. I mean, what if I surge for like 48 hours or more before I actually ovulate and that's why we're missing it? I suppose there could be all sorts of reasons for why it's not working, but since I don't know enough about all of this, that's why I would rely on them. And I feel like they are failing me.
I also have my first appointment with my acupuncturist on Wednesday evening. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous. Not that I'm scared of the tiny needles, I'm really not. My first appointment will be more of a "chat and therapy" session than anything and while I feel that may help me, I'm a little nervous about opening up (and yes, the possibility of getting all emotional) with someone I just met. I am also really nervous about the possibility of this not working. I know, I know...I'm not being very good at being optimistic (one of my resolutions - along with working out 3-4 times per week and I haven't done that very well either). I am so scared of another thing that I'm hopeful and positive about to fail me.
The Hubs and I have been chatting and we're both pretty much in the same place right now. We feel like we just need a break for a while. No more drugs, ovulation tests or timed sex...just to give us a break for a while and let us go back to being us. I am sure I'm going to have a hard time with this...I have been tracking my temperature for nearly two years now and monitoring my fertile times, so it will be a huge change to stop all of this. But it will sure be a relief if I can give it up for a while.
So here's to a new year of new possibilities and new options. If I don't end up preggers this month, then back to "natural and relaxed." Hopefully. We shall see.
Hoping for a happy new year...
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