The Natural Way...

So where are we now?  Here's an update:

Monday (CD15), I went to the RE to have an ultrasound to check my lining.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects of Clomid can be that it can thin your uterine lining, which isn't good for getting all sticky and suctioning your baby.  My periods have been pretty light (sorry if TMI), so that and the fact that I'm dying for an explanation for why I'm not preggers yet is why we went ahead with that.

I had been pretty sore that day - and soon found out why.  First, let me explain this "soreness."  It honestly feels as though your uterus is falling out.  I haven't met anyone else taking Clomid who has mentioned this side effect, but when I talked to the nurse about it, her response was, "Yep, that sounds like Clomid."  So, as long as it's normal, I'll deal with it.  Hopefully it will all be worth it.  So anyway, there I am all sore when they shove a probe up inside my hoo-ha to do the ultrasound.  I have to admit that while it was less than pleasant given my condition at the time, it was pretty cool to see what was happening in there. 

She started by looking at the left side, which showed 4-5 follicles.  She didn't give me measurements, but she said it all looked good.  She then examined the lining, which she said looked normal and "good."  She then went to the right side (which was the more tender of the two sides) and WHAM!  There was one giant follicle.  She said it was definitely the side that I would be ovulating on and I would probably be "popping soon."  We discussed doing a trigger injection of Ovidrel to help my body release the egg if I didn't show a surge on my ovulation tests by Wednesday (that would be today). 

Because I was feeling all fertile, I went home and took another ovulation test (OPK) which then showed a surge.  Yahoo!  No shot!!! 

I do want to back up a second to say that while I was lying there on that table, staring at my right ovary and the giant follicle that would soon release my egg, I got a little emotional thinking that that little sphere could be our future baby.  The one we've been waiting for so long...and to think that I had a chance to see him or her before he or she was ever an actual baby is pretty incredible.  If that becomes our baby, I will always remember that moment.  I may always remember that moment anyway...to remember what could have been and imagine the traits that baby would have had.  Maybe this is cheesy or a little too deep, but I can't help it.  Oh, and have I mentioned how easily I get all choked up here lately?  I have always been easy with the tears, but I'm blaming Clomid for making me lack some control over keeping my composure.  Damn hormones.

So, back to the fact that I would be "popping soon."  What to do?  What to do?

The Hubs and I discussed whether we were going to do the IUI again.  We've done it twice and I must say that it's an extremely stressful process...and then there's the fact that it's so clinical you almost feel gross.  We collect his specimen at home and then have one hour to get it to the office for "washing."  They only do IUI first thing in the morning, and since traffic is not cooperative at all at that time of the day, it makes us really close in getting it there on time.  And you can imagine the scheduling nightmare that you create trying to figure out when to start the "collection process."  You then also have the stress of having to miss work and creating an excuse for why you can't be there.  This is much easier for me than it is for him.  His job is not flexible, unfortunately, and us having to do IUI any other day than Friday or Saturday this week is nearly impossible.  That brings us to our final reason for deciding that we were going to skip the IUI this month and try to make a baby the natural way taking advantage of the fact that we have an egg!

So, needless to say, we've been spending a lot of quality time together the past few days.  And after two months of meds and the fun side effects, peeing on sticks and running back and forth to the doctor to time IUI,  I must say it's really brought us back together.  Unfortunately, although we are both in this together and both willing to do just about anything to get a baby, IUI does have its negative effects on a relationship.  The Hubs and I have been together for more than 14 years, so there isn't much that we can't share with one another.  But there is a certain amount of embarassment and shame that comes from this whole situation.  We each blame ourselves even though we have no proof that either one of us has anything wrong with us.  And things that happen in a normal day that would normally be uneventful can turn into sometimes very dramatic and emotional situations.  To be honest, the whole thing just sucks a little bit.

But as I've said before, this whole thing will work out for the best.  I believe it will.  And as I've said before, we'll be better as individuals and a couple - and hopefully as parents - in the end. 

While I can't say I "feel" pregnant right now (cuz that would be silly, I'm only at CD17), I can say that I feel a lot more optimistic this month than I did last month - and maybe even the month before that.  IUI is definitely something I felt we should give a shot, but at this point, I don't feel good about that being the way we're going to get our baby.  But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be willing to give it a shot again next month if, God forbids, this doesn't work. 

The two week wait is going to kill me...but hopefully, the wait will all be worth it!  Fingers crossed!!!