Guilt

Sometimes, I feel guilty that I'm so focused on trying to get pregnant that I don't think about the baby that we had.  I'll admit that there are definitely times where I'm more upset about the miscarriage and other times that I'm more upset with the fact that we can't get pregnant, but I know that I will always think about that baby that could have been and wonder what he or she would have been like, how our lives would be different and of course, I'll always wonder what went wrong to take him or her away from us.

Life isn't fair.  It doesn't make sense and there are things that happen that we will possibly never understand the reason for.  But is it too much to ask that there be a little break in all of the hard stuff every now and then...just to give us a chance to reach the surface and catch our breath?

Someday, I hope to look back on all of this and feel at peace and happy with where I am in my life.  I hope this resentment and bitterness that has become a part of my personality will go away.  And I hope that day isn't too far away.

Christmas and What's Next

I made it through Christmas without too many lost tears!  Yay for me.  I even managed to buy my sister-in-law some baby clothes for the new baby to come in April without getting too sad.  It was actually nice spending time with the kids in the family over the holiday.  They made me laugh a lot and also made me feel pretty loved.  It's always a big bonus when I get lots of hugs and kisses from the kids.

I finished the Clomid and the hot flashes have started, but they are either not as bad as in the previous months or I am just getting used to them.  Not that I'm not getting them, I guess I just know what to expect in terms of length and intensity. 

So now we wait for the ovulation tests to say it's a go.  Unfortunately, my RE's office is closed Friday and Saturday of this week (New Year's Eve and New Year's Day) and since I'm pretty sure I'll ovulate on Friday or Saturday, this cycle may be like the last - Old Fashioned Style.  Another thing out of my control.

I'm hoping for a positive test by Wednesday or on Sunday...but this would mean it's coming pretty early (day 14 when I'm a 16/17 girl at the earliest) or late - day 18.  My ovulation date seems to get a day earlier each cycle with the Clomid, so there's a chance, but I'm not really counting on it.

New Year's Eve will either be a celebration of hope, or a night of drinking my sorrows away for another lost opportunity. 

I sure have high hopes for 2011.

Confessional

Despite my best attempts to be positive and cheerful, it's not happening.  I'm crying uncontrollably (thank you, Clomid) and although I've had a pretty good day in general, I'm still left feeling extremely sad and very alone.  It's like I have a never-ending lump in my throat that comes to the surface and brings with it tears just when I least expect it. 

Christmas is three days away and as much as I want to be in the Christmas Spirit and spreading joy, I just can't manage to do it.  I keep thinking that this should be the Christmas that we are celebrating with our baby...but oh wait, we don't have a baby.  Ouch! 

In addition, I feel sad that I may not get to see my own family on Christmas and am already dreading being around my pregnant sister-in-law for fear of how jealous I will be.  I hate the way I act when I'm around her...it's so selfish and childish and I should really just accept the fact that they have children and we don't.  But God it's so hard...it seems like it should be so easy to just have a baby...it is for everyone else, why not for us?  Sorry, I ask that question a lot.

I also have a confession...I think I have an addiction.  Shopping.  Don't laugh, I'm serious.  I think when I'm sad, I shop and because I think I'll feel better with that new coat or new pair of boots, I buy them.  And I continue to buy because, just like with any other addiction, you are using it to fill a void but it doesn't work.  You're still sad.  You're still depressed.  And you STILL don't have a baby...no matter how many onesies or sleepers you buy.

Our credit card statement is a little scary thanks to my addiction. Now, don't get too crazy or worried - this is nothing like Rebecca Bloomwood in "Confessions of a Shopaholic."  I don't buy $400 pairs of shoes or anything...it just all adds up.  And boy has it added up.  Yikes.

I was in a crying fit on Sunday and was discovered by the Hubs, so I told him about the credit card bill.  He was so absolutely nice about it - although I think the only reason he didn't freak out was because I was so upset - but he said it was no big deal, we always spend too much around this time of year and that we will get it paid off.  He made me calm down and feel a bit better, but I am still worried.  We are discussing not buying gifts for each other since we bought all sorts of things for ourselves last Friday when we went Christmas shopping and we really want to take another trip - especially if this next round of IUI doesn't work.  And God forbid nothing works out, we may have to start saving for IVF.  I don't even want to think about that.  But I want to buy FOR HIM more than anyone else.  The absolute best part of Christmas for me is when he and I are exchanging gifts with each other on Christmas morning and then we give the kitties their presents.  It's the best and is the closest thing I'll have to experiencing a "real family" Christmas.  Maybe next year...

So we talked about this next round of IUI and he confessed that he doesn't feel like this is what is going to give us a baby, but we have to do it to move on with other options.  I agree, but I hate that we are both going into this with these feelings.  I know this can't be good for the outcome.  He's extremely supportive of me going to acupuncture, which I didn't expect (I thought he would think it was voodoo), and he'll do whatever I ask to get a baby, but I am really worried about him, too.  He's totally unhappy and stressed about his job to begin with, the whole insemination project totally stresses him out (me, too!) and we have a few home repairs that are needing to be done which are infuriating since we built this house less than 5 years ago!  Thanks to all of this, I absolutely hate to bring any additional drama or stress to his life...but I must admit that I feel this "silence" is pushing us apart a bit.  Neither of us talk much any more and I hate that...but I am at a loss as to what to do about it.  I love him so much; I feel like I would be dead without him, but I don't know how to fix this.  Even if I said we were done "trying", I think it would still be this way because deep down, we both know how much WE want a baby. 

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...how long does that take, exactly?  Because I feel that we've been tested a lot in our 14 years together (four of those married), and I don't see the results of any of this.  I do believe we love each other more than ever, but neither one of us is in the right mind set to show it to the other - and for me, a very sensitive, touchy-feely person, this is really hard. 

I was watching Giuliana and Bill the other night (another confession, sorry, I can't help it - I'm hooked!) and after they found out that the second round of IVF didn't work (which absolutely broke my heart...I wanted this to work for them so badly), Bill told Giuliana, "In the end, it will all be okay.  And if it's not okay, then it's not the end."  I'm not sure if he stole this from some great philosopher, but I'm gonna go ahead and say I love him for saying this.  I keep repeating this phrase to myself and I want to believe it more than anything.  In the end, it has to all be okay, right? 

I had every intention of this being a short post tonight, but I just realized that I wrote more than I probably ever have.  I'm sorry.  Just had to get it all out there.

So, I'll end with this.  To anyone, anywhere, who is reading or listening to my plea, please, please, please help us.  We are two good people (at least I think the majority of people who know us would agree) and we both love each other SO MUCH.  If there is anyway to give us a little break next year, to bring some happiness into our lives and to take away some of the unpleasantness, it would be much appreciated.  I would hope that this would mean bringing us a baby, but any improvement from where we are right now would be like a huge weight being lifted off of us.  And would probably help us to better deal with not having a baby and to make us be more appreciative and find ways to be more grateful for what we do have.  If you are God and are hearing this, then please consider this my one and only Christmas Wish.  But if you are anyone else (without God-like properties) please just send some prayers or wishes or crossed fingers up for things to be better for us in the New Year.  I will do the same for you...just let me know your wish and I'm on it.  And thank you.  Thank you so much.

Preparing for the New Year

With just 10 days left in this horrendous year, I have already started preparing for 2011.  I'm ready.  Let's do it.  Adios 2010!!!

I started the Clomid today and have decided that I will have a totally positive attitude about this.  In preparation for IUI #3, which could be my last one way or another, I scheduled an appointment for acupuncture!!!  I'm so nervous, but very excited for the possibility of something new to bring my hopes back up again.  God knows I need it this time.  I mean, what's the point of going through all of this anyway if I'm not really "feeling it", right?!?!?  And what better time to start off a clean, new, fresh mind than the New Year...with the help of a few needles, of course.

I have been thinking about some sort of "alternative" treatment for a while now.  A friend of mine mentioned acupuncture since she uses it to treat migraines, allergies and insomnia - and she swears by it.  After researching it a bit and seeing how successful it really can be (!!!), I decided to go for it.  The receptionist was so nice and friendly that I already feel relaxed.  Crazy, huh?

So on January 5th, we'll see how it goes.  My first appointment will be mainly a "talk" with Dr. John as he's called.  I figure this will be after the actual IUI, so not sure if they can help with this cycle or not, but it's worth a shot.  Or at the very least, a pin prick.  ha ha ha...

I should probably get to bed early tonight since the night sweats are scheduled to start tomorrow night (thank you, Clomid), and it will be a while before I can get another good night's sleep.  But I must admit, I'm a bit excited about this month...I've gotta feeling...

Sound familiar???  Let's just go with it.

You know you're desperate when...

You're googling "how to get pregnant" and actually reading the ones with "find the secrets to conceiving fast here."  Wow...I'm truly desperate.

What else is a girl to do, though?  I have no explanation for why we're not preggers...are my eggs just bad, are they snobby and won't play nice with the Hubs spermies or am I just not meant to be a mother?  I just don't get it and I want to scream.

Christmas is less than a week away and I can't stop thinking that if we wouldn't have lost our baby, we'd be celebrating our first Christmas as a family this year.  But why does having a baby equal a family?  I have a pretty sweet little kitty lying on my lap right now (bless his sweet heart, he seems to know when mommy needs cuddling), but he (and I) would definitely disagree if anyone said we didn't have a family.  He has taught me how to be a mommy...even if it's to a child with a long tail and whiskers.  But God is he cute. 

Little Man, I love the way your feet match your tummy!!!

Too bad I can't dress him in all of the cute baby clothes I've been stashing away for the past year and a half.  Or could I????

No bueno

I've been putting this post off because I really don't know what to say.

We're not pregnant.  No chance of a baby before I'm 31 (unless it's premature, of course).  This sucks.  I really thought this was our month.  So many things were telling me that we should just try this on our own this month and not add the stress of IUI back in.  Maybe the whole point of it was to just bring us back together, but wouldn't us being pregnant do that, too?  I just don't understand.

I'm at a loss on where we go from here.  I call my doctor tomorrow to hear what they have to say, and I'm pretty sure she's going to recommend another try at IUI.  Great.  I'm willing to give it another shot since I feel we have to keep moving forward, but I would be lying if I said I was looking forward to it. 

I am defnitely at a point where I feel like maybe this just isn't going to happen for us...and that kills me.  I don't understand why it's so hard.  So many other people can do it, why can't we?  It seems like it should be so simple.

A friend recently told me to go for adoption.  I was immediately put off by this suggestion and I've been thinking about my reason for it ever since then.  First of all, it's not like adoption is a quick fix either.  It's expensive and takes a lot of time...and you still aren't guaranteed a baby.  Secondly, it hurts that we can't have a baby on our own, so the flat out suggestion to "just adopt" seemed a little rude to me.  I mean, does adopting a baby negate the fact that we aren't able to have one on our own?  Or that we've lost one before?  It will not make us forget any of this.  And then of course, there's the fact that having OUR baby will be the most miraculous thing ever.  A little piece of me, a little piece of the Hubs...wow.  I would give anything for that right now.  And while raising any child would be nice, I just really want our child right now.  Maybe that's wrong of me???

I need to move on and move forward, but I just don't want to.  I've had a few days off work and have managed to do nothing more than drink, eat, sleep and cry.  My hopes of telling our family that we were pregnant at Christmas are null and void.  This whole year has seemed like a waste and I just can't wait for it to be over.  Bring on 2011 and let's hope it is actually a HAPPY new year. 

Another moment of sadness...

I tested yesterday and again, negative.  I guess I could be a day or so early, but I feel like at this point, I would know if I were preggers this month, and I pretty much feel like I'm not.

Depression has officially kicked back in for me.  I realize I'm totally jumping the gun since there is still a slight possibility it worked this month, but for the first time, I am actually starting to believe that it just may not happen for us.  And that's devastating.

I was watching Guiliana and Bill last night (and can I just say how much I admire them for their courage to share their struggles with the world), but I started to think about what would happen if we had to go to IVF.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  At this point, I tell myself that we wouldn't do it...but I also never thought we would be doing IUI...but they say desperate times call for desperate measures and I guess that's the boat we're in right now.

It was one year ago this month that I talked to the nurse practitioner at my regular OB's office and was told that we could seriously have a fertility issue and we needed to get serious about having a baby.  I tested positive for the breast and ovarian cancer gene, so I'm basically on a clock to be done with my "baby-making years" by the age of 35 (I turned 30 this past August) in case they need to take my ovaries.  Although I really wanted a baby before this recommendation, this just put the pressure on that much more. 

I remember declaring 2010 as a great year with great things to come...and here I am with just over two weeks left in the year and absolutely nothing of value to show for the past 12 months.  Nothing but 52 weeks of counting cycle days, measuring cervical mucus and peeing on various sticks (ovulation or pregnancy) and overanalyzing every symptom.  My whole life revolves around what cycle day I'm in, whether I'm fertile or not, whether I'm pregnant or not, what symptoms I'm having either from the meds, ovulation or possible pregnancy and scheduling out sex to maximize our best chances of conception.  I hate how I've let myself become and even though he'd never admit it, I'm sure The Hubs would agree a little bit.  This whole process has changed me; it has changed us.  I'm so jealous of those couples who conceive a child out of love the "old fashioned" way.  Not that our child won't be conceived out of love, but it feels so "fabricated."  But I don't know any other way.

It's hard to believe that a year later, we're still trying with no success while several of our friends and family members are now expecting without almost any effort at all.  Everything we've ever had to do has been harder for us than it has been anyone else and I will never understand that.  So I should have figured that something as simple as reproducing wouldn't be as easy for us. 

Are we being punished for something?  Are we being taught a lesson?  I wish I understood the point of all of this.  I know we need to stay with it and not give up and prove that this is what we want more than anything else in this world.  But for a girl who believes that everything happens for a reason, it sure is hard to grasp and accept all of this and keep moving forward.  I'm so tired of being sad and hating myself for being envious (or jealous?) of other people who are pregnant. 

I've decided that I'm not going to test again until Friday if "Flo" doesn't come before then.  The Hubs and I have the weekend off together so that no matter what news we receive, we will have time to be sad together (and decide where we go from here) or to celebrate.  I'm so scared we won't be celebrating...

I cheated...

So, I broke down yesterday and took not one, but TWO pregnancy tests.  I took my first when I woke up - it was my "reserve" test for when I got a positive from one of the cheapies...and I was so sure it would be positive, that I used it.  No luck.  So later that evening, after I got my other cheapies in the mail, I took another.  And of course negative again. (I use generic pregnancy test strips from http://www.babyhopes.com/ - this website has saved me a fortune!).

I should have known that I wouldn't get a positive, but I have been really crampy, had very sore breasts and feel like I'm just having some of the same symptoms as the last time.  I know, I know...this could all be in my head, not like I haven't done this to myself before.  But since I was going to be around children yesterday, not to mention a pregnant woman, I knew I would get all depressed, so I really needed something to lift my spirits.  No such luck.

The Hubs tells me to wait until I'm technically considered "late" to test again, but I don't know exactly when that will be - and I'm not gonna lie, I know I'll take another tomorrow or the day after because I am a serial test taker.

Gosh, how I hate waiting...

Sneaky sadness

It's funny how you can go along for a good period of time doing just fine - actually impressing yourself and making yourself believe that you have finally found a way to deal with all of this.  And then in an instant, you find yourself crying into a throw pillow so your husband won't hear you.

If you haven't guessed yet, I'm talking about myself.  And this is what just happened today.  I'm here to write about it to help me wrap my brain around why I'm being so horrible and dramatic.  And also in an attempt to explain myself so I don't seem like such a hateful, terrible human being.  Cuz I'm totally feeling like a spoiled brat right now.

A very good friend of mine informed me today that she's pregnant with their second child.  I knew this was coming; they've been trying for a few months and she was worried that it wouldn't be as easy this time as it was the last time.  She's not me, so of course everything would work out great for her.

I'm honestly so happy for her.  She and her husband are such great people, they are amazing parents and their daughter is adorable.  She's had some family issues lately, so she totally deserves to have a break like this.  But I can't help but wish it was me.

Of course, I immediately hope that this month will be OUR month, too, and that she and I will be preggers at the same time.  For whatever reason, it sounds fun.  Especially since we are already so close already.

I would never describe my feelings as jealous, but I can't help but hate myself a little bit for allowing me to get emotional about this all of a sudden.  I've said it before and I'll say it a million more times: I HATE THIS!  I hate not knowing if and when I'll ever be prgnant and I hate not knowing why I'm not getting pregnant. 

Let me say this again: I am really so very happy for her, but I hate this situation.  And I hate myself a little bit for crying about this.  I would never want her to know that this was my reaction...hell, I don't want anyone to know this is my reaction.  But it's so hard to watch everyone around you announcing their exciting news when you want so bad for that news to be yours.  God how I wish I could make that happen.

My last post beamed about how optimistic I was this cycle.  I'm not giving that up.  I'm going to slap on a smile, be supportive of my friend - and excited for her, because I am - and will slap my own face if I allow myself to come to this place again.  If that sounds a little harsh, I'm sorry...but I'm starting to think I'm developing eye wrinkles from all of this crying!!!

Whew...must say I feel a little better now.  Roughly 10 more days of waiting to find out if I will join her in the August Mommies Club.  Fingers still crossed!

The Natural Way...

So where are we now?  Here's an update:

Monday (CD15), I went to the RE to have an ultrasound to check my lining.  Unfortunately, one of the side effects of Clomid can be that it can thin your uterine lining, which isn't good for getting all sticky and suctioning your baby.  My periods have been pretty light (sorry if TMI), so that and the fact that I'm dying for an explanation for why I'm not preggers yet is why we went ahead with that.

I had been pretty sore that day - and soon found out why.  First, let me explain this "soreness."  It honestly feels as though your uterus is falling out.  I haven't met anyone else taking Clomid who has mentioned this side effect, but when I talked to the nurse about it, her response was, "Yep, that sounds like Clomid."  So, as long as it's normal, I'll deal with it.  Hopefully it will all be worth it.  So anyway, there I am all sore when they shove a probe up inside my hoo-ha to do the ultrasound.  I have to admit that while it was less than pleasant given my condition at the time, it was pretty cool to see what was happening in there. 

She started by looking at the left side, which showed 4-5 follicles.  She didn't give me measurements, but she said it all looked good.  She then examined the lining, which she said looked normal and "good."  She then went to the right side (which was the more tender of the two sides) and WHAM!  There was one giant follicle.  She said it was definitely the side that I would be ovulating on and I would probably be "popping soon."  We discussed doing a trigger injection of Ovidrel to help my body release the egg if I didn't show a surge on my ovulation tests by Wednesday (that would be today). 

Because I was feeling all fertile, I went home and took another ovulation test (OPK) which then showed a surge.  Yahoo!  No shot!!! 

I do want to back up a second to say that while I was lying there on that table, staring at my right ovary and the giant follicle that would soon release my egg, I got a little emotional thinking that that little sphere could be our future baby.  The one we've been waiting for so long...and to think that I had a chance to see him or her before he or she was ever an actual baby is pretty incredible.  If that becomes our baby, I will always remember that moment.  I may always remember that moment anyway...to remember what could have been and imagine the traits that baby would have had.  Maybe this is cheesy or a little too deep, but I can't help it.  Oh, and have I mentioned how easily I get all choked up here lately?  I have always been easy with the tears, but I'm blaming Clomid for making me lack some control over keeping my composure.  Damn hormones.

So, back to the fact that I would be "popping soon."  What to do?  What to do?

The Hubs and I discussed whether we were going to do the IUI again.  We've done it twice and I must say that it's an extremely stressful process...and then there's the fact that it's so clinical you almost feel gross.  We collect his specimen at home and then have one hour to get it to the office for "washing."  They only do IUI first thing in the morning, and since traffic is not cooperative at all at that time of the day, it makes us really close in getting it there on time.  And you can imagine the scheduling nightmare that you create trying to figure out when to start the "collection process."  You then also have the stress of having to miss work and creating an excuse for why you can't be there.  This is much easier for me than it is for him.  His job is not flexible, unfortunately, and us having to do IUI any other day than Friday or Saturday this week is nearly impossible.  That brings us to our final reason for deciding that we were going to skip the IUI this month and try to make a baby the natural way taking advantage of the fact that we have an egg!

So, needless to say, we've been spending a lot of quality time together the past few days.  And after two months of meds and the fun side effects, peeing on sticks and running back and forth to the doctor to time IUI,  I must say it's really brought us back together.  Unfortunately, although we are both in this together and both willing to do just about anything to get a baby, IUI does have its negative effects on a relationship.  The Hubs and I have been together for more than 14 years, so there isn't much that we can't share with one another.  But there is a certain amount of embarassment and shame that comes from this whole situation.  We each blame ourselves even though we have no proof that either one of us has anything wrong with us.  And things that happen in a normal day that would normally be uneventful can turn into sometimes very dramatic and emotional situations.  To be honest, the whole thing just sucks a little bit.

But as I've said before, this whole thing will work out for the best.  I believe it will.  And as I've said before, we'll be better as individuals and a couple - and hopefully as parents - in the end. 

While I can't say I "feel" pregnant right now (cuz that would be silly, I'm only at CD17), I can say that I feel a lot more optimistic this month than I did last month - and maybe even the month before that.  IUI is definitely something I felt we should give a shot, but at this point, I don't feel good about that being the way we're going to get our baby.  But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't be willing to give it a shot again next month if, God forbids, this doesn't work. 

The two week wait is going to kill me...but hopefully, the wait will all be worth it!  Fingers crossed!!!