Confessional

Despite my best attempts to be positive and cheerful, it's not happening.  I'm crying uncontrollably (thank you, Clomid) and although I've had a pretty good day in general, I'm still left feeling extremely sad and very alone.  It's like I have a never-ending lump in my throat that comes to the surface and brings with it tears just when I least expect it. 

Christmas is three days away and as much as I want to be in the Christmas Spirit and spreading joy, I just can't manage to do it.  I keep thinking that this should be the Christmas that we are celebrating with our baby...but oh wait, we don't have a baby.  Ouch! 

In addition, I feel sad that I may not get to see my own family on Christmas and am already dreading being around my pregnant sister-in-law for fear of how jealous I will be.  I hate the way I act when I'm around her...it's so selfish and childish and I should really just accept the fact that they have children and we don't.  But God it's so hard...it seems like it should be so easy to just have a baby...it is for everyone else, why not for us?  Sorry, I ask that question a lot.

I also have a confession...I think I have an addiction.  Shopping.  Don't laugh, I'm serious.  I think when I'm sad, I shop and because I think I'll feel better with that new coat or new pair of boots, I buy them.  And I continue to buy because, just like with any other addiction, you are using it to fill a void but it doesn't work.  You're still sad.  You're still depressed.  And you STILL don't have a baby...no matter how many onesies or sleepers you buy.

Our credit card statement is a little scary thanks to my addiction. Now, don't get too crazy or worried - this is nothing like Rebecca Bloomwood in "Confessions of a Shopaholic."  I don't buy $400 pairs of shoes or anything...it just all adds up.  And boy has it added up.  Yikes.

I was in a crying fit on Sunday and was discovered by the Hubs, so I told him about the credit card bill.  He was so absolutely nice about it - although I think the only reason he didn't freak out was because I was so upset - but he said it was no big deal, we always spend too much around this time of year and that we will get it paid off.  He made me calm down and feel a bit better, but I am still worried.  We are discussing not buying gifts for each other since we bought all sorts of things for ourselves last Friday when we went Christmas shopping and we really want to take another trip - especially if this next round of IUI doesn't work.  And God forbid nothing works out, we may have to start saving for IVF.  I don't even want to think about that.  But I want to buy FOR HIM more than anyone else.  The absolute best part of Christmas for me is when he and I are exchanging gifts with each other on Christmas morning and then we give the kitties their presents.  It's the best and is the closest thing I'll have to experiencing a "real family" Christmas.  Maybe next year...

So we talked about this next round of IUI and he confessed that he doesn't feel like this is what is going to give us a baby, but we have to do it to move on with other options.  I agree, but I hate that we are both going into this with these feelings.  I know this can't be good for the outcome.  He's extremely supportive of me going to acupuncture, which I didn't expect (I thought he would think it was voodoo), and he'll do whatever I ask to get a baby, but I am really worried about him, too.  He's totally unhappy and stressed about his job to begin with, the whole insemination project totally stresses him out (me, too!) and we have a few home repairs that are needing to be done which are infuriating since we built this house less than 5 years ago!  Thanks to all of this, I absolutely hate to bring any additional drama or stress to his life...but I must admit that I feel this "silence" is pushing us apart a bit.  Neither of us talk much any more and I hate that...but I am at a loss as to what to do about it.  I love him so much; I feel like I would be dead without him, but I don't know how to fix this.  Even if I said we were done "trying", I think it would still be this way because deep down, we both know how much WE want a baby. 

They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger...how long does that take, exactly?  Because I feel that we've been tested a lot in our 14 years together (four of those married), and I don't see the results of any of this.  I do believe we love each other more than ever, but neither one of us is in the right mind set to show it to the other - and for me, a very sensitive, touchy-feely person, this is really hard. 

I was watching Giuliana and Bill the other night (another confession, sorry, I can't help it - I'm hooked!) and after they found out that the second round of IVF didn't work (which absolutely broke my heart...I wanted this to work for them so badly), Bill told Giuliana, "In the end, it will all be okay.  And if it's not okay, then it's not the end."  I'm not sure if he stole this from some great philosopher, but I'm gonna go ahead and say I love him for saying this.  I keep repeating this phrase to myself and I want to believe it more than anything.  In the end, it has to all be okay, right? 

I had every intention of this being a short post tonight, but I just realized that I wrote more than I probably ever have.  I'm sorry.  Just had to get it all out there.

So, I'll end with this.  To anyone, anywhere, who is reading or listening to my plea, please, please, please help us.  We are two good people (at least I think the majority of people who know us would agree) and we both love each other SO MUCH.  If there is anyway to give us a little break next year, to bring some happiness into our lives and to take away some of the unpleasantness, it would be much appreciated.  I would hope that this would mean bringing us a baby, but any improvement from where we are right now would be like a huge weight being lifted off of us.  And would probably help us to better deal with not having a baby and to make us be more appreciative and find ways to be more grateful for what we do have.  If you are God and are hearing this, then please consider this my one and only Christmas Wish.  But if you are anyone else (without God-like properties) please just send some prayers or wishes or crossed fingers up for things to be better for us in the New Year.  I will do the same for you...just let me know your wish and I'm on it.  And thank you.  Thank you so much.