Another moment of sadness...

I tested yesterday and again, negative.  I guess I could be a day or so early, but I feel like at this point, I would know if I were preggers this month, and I pretty much feel like I'm not.

Depression has officially kicked back in for me.  I realize I'm totally jumping the gun since there is still a slight possibility it worked this month, but for the first time, I am actually starting to believe that it just may not happen for us.  And that's devastating.

I was watching Guiliana and Bill last night (and can I just say how much I admire them for their courage to share their struggles with the world), but I started to think about what would happen if we had to go to IVF.  I honestly don't know if I can do it.  At this point, I tell myself that we wouldn't do it...but I also never thought we would be doing IUI...but they say desperate times call for desperate measures and I guess that's the boat we're in right now.

It was one year ago this month that I talked to the nurse practitioner at my regular OB's office and was told that we could seriously have a fertility issue and we needed to get serious about having a baby.  I tested positive for the breast and ovarian cancer gene, so I'm basically on a clock to be done with my "baby-making years" by the age of 35 (I turned 30 this past August) in case they need to take my ovaries.  Although I really wanted a baby before this recommendation, this just put the pressure on that much more. 

I remember declaring 2010 as a great year with great things to come...and here I am with just over two weeks left in the year and absolutely nothing of value to show for the past 12 months.  Nothing but 52 weeks of counting cycle days, measuring cervical mucus and peeing on various sticks (ovulation or pregnancy) and overanalyzing every symptom.  My whole life revolves around what cycle day I'm in, whether I'm fertile or not, whether I'm pregnant or not, what symptoms I'm having either from the meds, ovulation or possible pregnancy and scheduling out sex to maximize our best chances of conception.  I hate how I've let myself become and even though he'd never admit it, I'm sure The Hubs would agree a little bit.  This whole process has changed me; it has changed us.  I'm so jealous of those couples who conceive a child out of love the "old fashioned" way.  Not that our child won't be conceived out of love, but it feels so "fabricated."  But I don't know any other way.

It's hard to believe that a year later, we're still trying with no success while several of our friends and family members are now expecting without almost any effort at all.  Everything we've ever had to do has been harder for us than it has been anyone else and I will never understand that.  So I should have figured that something as simple as reproducing wouldn't be as easy for us. 

Are we being punished for something?  Are we being taught a lesson?  I wish I understood the point of all of this.  I know we need to stay with it and not give up and prove that this is what we want more than anything else in this world.  But for a girl who believes that everything happens for a reason, it sure is hard to grasp and accept all of this and keep moving forward.  I'm so tired of being sad and hating myself for being envious (or jealous?) of other people who are pregnant. 

I've decided that I'm not going to test again until Friday if "Flo" doesn't come before then.  The Hubs and I have the weekend off together so that no matter what news we receive, we will have time to be sad together (and decide where we go from here) or to celebrate.  I'm so scared we won't be celebrating...