Plump and juicy...

Tomorrow, I will be 18 weeks.  I'm very excited that next Wednesday, we will be finding out if we have a little Nugget or a Nuggette.  For most of my pregnancy, I've had dreams about having a boy, but a few nights ago, I had a very sad, disturbing dream about having a girl.  So who knows...either way, as long as it's healthy, that's truly all that matters.  As cliche as it sounds, it's true.

Just in the past few days, I've noticed some "changes" in my body.  And I thought to myself that all along, I've not really "tracked" my progress as far as symptoms and weird changes as this baby grows inside me.  So, since I'm finally coming to the realization that my body is no longer my own, here goes a little recap of what I've noticed so far.  I'm hoping that if I'm ever pregnant again, that I can look back and compare how similar or different my pregnancies are.  So here goes:

Nausea:  This all started around 7-8 weeks.  I had been feeling great up to this point - not too tired, no changes in my appetite...everything was the same.  When literally in the matter of one day (actually night, my sickness was in the evenings), I was ill and there was no need for dinner for me for another 5 or so weeks.  I lost a good amount of weight during this time (about 5 pounds, which for me is a lot), so the doctor prescribed Phenargen to help with the nausea.  The only side effect was that it made me super sleepy, but it was worth it.  Since it was typically after 5pm when this all started, I didn't so much care if I dozed off to sleep.  At about 14 weeks, the nausea went away except for some minor "ickiness" when eating tomato sauce or chocolate.  Weird, I know.  But now at 18 weeks, I'm starting to get my normal appetite back.  I still love fruit, but am once again eating dinner.

Weight Gain:  As I mentioned above, I had lost about 5 pounds in the beginning due to my nausea and lack of appetite.  I'm happy to say (or maybe not so much) that at about 16 weeks, I noticed a pound or so here and there and then in the past week, I'm up 4 pounds from my regular weight.  It happened really fast - maybe because my boobs have become quite engorged in the past three days (literally!)...can I blame 2 pounds a piece on those puppies?  My regular clothes still fit me (except one pair of shorts that were always my "skinny shorts") although I do notice my tummy is a little fuller (not exactly a bump, though).  I invested in a Be Band to help with pants that are too big or those I can't quite button and so far, I've only used them for some of my bigger pants to help keep them up.  I'm sure in a week or so, at the rate I'm going, I'll need them for the pants that won't button.  Oh well, it's all part of the process and means the baby is growing, right?  I must admit, for someone who has already tried to be healthy and "thin", this is a hard thing to accept.  You feel "fat" and bloated and although you know you're being crazy, you wonder if maybe you're gaining weight too fast.  I guess my doctor will tell me next week if that is the case!

Complexion: One thing I've been really fortunate to have, is great skin thanks to this little baby and the hormones it's bringing to my body.  I typically have really oily skin that is prone to break outs, but since I got pregnant, my skin is nearly perfect.  The only negative I've noticed is that I'm a bit hairier.  Gross, I know, but there is definitely a little bit of fuzz on my tummy as well as on my face.  I'll take it, though...hopefully it's not that noticeable.

Spider veins:  This is something I definitely have.  I've always had a couple of patches on my legs where I can see my little veins - and I've always hated them.  But they are definitely more noticeable and I even have a spot I never really noticed before that is definitely more noticeable now.  I hear they can go away after the baby's born (something about it being from estrogen?), but they're not terrible...yet.

Sleep:  As I mentioned already, I'm starting to have some weird dreams, but thanks to my overactive bladder (which really didn't start until about 12 weeks), I wake up 2-3 times per night.  I have experienced some pain in my back and left hip (possible sciatic nerve pain?), so that adds to my problem and I'm also waking myself up when I roll on my back (since I know at 20 weeks, I'm no longer supposed to be on my back or tummy).  I am taking prenatal yoga and love that and it definitely helps with the back pain, but there are times I wake up feeling like I fought ninjas all through the night.  Maybe I do?

I think this covers most of what I've experienced so far.  I'll try to add to or repost with my new weird conditions.  And although I'm sure some of this sounds as though I'm complaining, I do want to make sure it's understood that these are not complaints.  I could not be happier to finally be pregnant.  I know there are a lot of pleasant and not so pleasant side effects that come with the job, but I'd gladly take it over not having this amazing opportunity and experience.

Here to stay...

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted and although I hate excuses, I have to be honest and say my main reason for not posting is fear.  I'm afraid to jinx this.

We had an ultrasound a few weeks ago and everything looked good there (and how amazing it was to watch that little cutie move around!), but we were awaiting the final results from the genetic screening.  We had our 16 week appointment today and our doctor assured us that everything at this point looks perfect and could not be more normal.  Thank God.  Now I can exhale...

We heard the heartbeat (167 beats/minute...always amazing!) and although he poked a little fun at this "theory", our doctor said it "sounded" like a boy since the heartbeat was so strong and deep.  Who knows how accurate this is, but we'll find out for sure on August 10th.  That's our next ultrasound date.

I cannot describe how very happy and relaxed I feel now.  I made myself sick today thinking about all of the things that could be wrong.  But now, I'm starting to realize that maybe, finally, God is giving us what we actually deserve.  I really hope this is the perfect baby we've been waiting to meet for so long.  For now, we have these pictures to stare at until we see our little Nugget again...and boy (or girl!), do we love it!

12 weeks, 6 days

 Tiny Feet!!!

What a face!

God is listening...

Today, I was officially convinced that God is listening to the prayers of all of the women like me who are wannabe moms.  Whether they have been trying for just a few months, a few years or have been awaiting their adopted child's arrival for many, many years, he is finally fulfilling requests. 

In addition to our miracle suprise, I have a very good friend who is finally pregnant after multiple IVF attempts.  Turns out, we are about two weeks apart in our due dates.  I finally told her today and we're both thrilled and ecstatic to be experiencing this together - much less at all!

Then, another very good friend who has assured me all alone that she had a feeling that we would be pregnant at the same time is in fact pregnant with her second child and - no lie - is due four days before me.  Amazing.

To top it off, a friend who I have been emailing and chatting with regarding infertility just informed me last night that she just found out she's pregnant too!  Like us, they were awaiting starting IVF (except she had already received her meds, gone through orientation, etc.) and it just happened on its own.  I could not be happier for them.

And the cherry on top was the message I received from my cousin who has been awaiting a child from China via adoption.  Her application was approved some time ago and after numerous broken promises that it would be six more months or twelve more months, she's now at four years and counting.  Well, today, she received notification that an 18-month old little girl is waiting for her.  Do you have chills yet?

The past month has been a whirlwind of happiness and joy for us and so many others and I must just take a moment to appreciate all of the blessings that I and so many of our friends are receiving.  I am praying so hard that every one of these individuals gets only good news as time progresses and that in fact, their dreams are really coming true.  And their prayers are really being answered.  Ours, too.

Everyone says that God works in mysterious ways and answers prayers in his time.  I always believed in this, I just questioned his timing.  Today more than ever, I was made even more sure that he does listen and that this is OUR time.  I'm not sure why this time is better than the years and years that I and my husband and so many of our friends have prayed for, but I have faith that it couldn't be better timing.

God bless the new babies that will come into our life and the lives of our friends.  What an amazing day...

Where have I been?

I must apologize for my long absence.  I should be eagerly anticipating each opportunity to update this blog, but I haven't.  There is so much to tell...so much to say...but yet I'm so tired that I cannot find the time in the day to write down what I'm feeling and thinking. 

Since I last posted, our little baby gave us a scare.  On the 17th, I started spotting - something I absolutely dreaded after experiencing this once before with our miscarriage.  Of course I was sent directly to the doctor.  But the whole drive, I thought about whether I felt that this was the end or whether I felt that this baby was here to stay.  I honestly felt that this was just a small hiccup and that all would be okay.

The doctor checked me out first, said all seemed to be okay and sent me over for the ultrasound.  Right away, I knew I should be looking for a little flash to indicate a heartbeat.  And since we were seeing a "wide shot" there was  no flash - but of course I didn't realize this and just absolutely freaked out.  Finally, the technician zoomed in to our little bundle and there it was.  The most beautiful, amazing thing I've ever seen - our baby's heartbeat!!!  It was amazing and we of course were brought to tears and so overjoyed.  I was so excited to see our baby and how great he or she was doing that when we were informed that there was in fact only one baby and no twins, I thought, "Oh, I didn't even worry about that." 

We were told that all looks great with the baby, we weren't quite as far along as we thought, so the due date was moved back from December 27 to January 6.  Heartrate was 130 beats per minute and everything was perfect.  The bleeding was coming from a small pocket of blood right above my cervix that was no concern at all.  I was just informed to keep from any serious physical activity - so no yoga or power walking - but that everything else should be fine.  I cannot explain how absolutely relieved we were.  Seeing our baby was the most incredible thing I've had happen in my life so far...so of course, I must share our picture:

Since the ultrasound, I've noticed that I'm extremely tired, but unable to sleep well - waking up several times throughout the night and not able to sleep past 6 a.m. no matter what.  I'm having a bit of evening sickness, a few nights worse than the rest, but nothing too horrible.  I'm not complaining. I'm dying to start exercising again, but I know it's all worth it and it's the right thing to wait until we see the doctor again before even trying.  But boy do I miss yoga...it's so calming!

Our family and a few friends now know our news - which makes it even more exciting if that is even possible.  I'll share more on how we shared the news later.  Needless to say, everyone is ecstatic and cannot wait to meet our little baby.  And neither can we.  This is like the best dream I could ever have and I'm so glad I haven't woken up yet.  Truly a dream come true...

Wow - I'm pregnant...

I'm pregnant.  I'm pregnant.  I'M PREGNANT!!!

I still can't believe it.  We've known for a week and a half, just told my best friend yesterday, and am still trying to make myself believe this may actually be for real.

We took a break from all of the meds and procedures this month while we waited for our appointment with our new RE.  I told myself it wasn't going to happen on it's own and had finally accepted the fact that IVF might be our only hope - even though I was still terrified of it.  And my period was a little late, and I had tested negative, so just figured my body was messed up for being on it's "own" this month.  But then I took one more test just before I called my doctor and got a BFP.  I couldn't believe it, so I took another.  And it said the same thing.

That night, I gave the Hubs an envelope with the tests in there - and he was speechless.  I still think he didn't believe it.  We were awaiting the HCG test results to confirm it and he knew that from the last miscarriage, even that first number didn't mean that the baby was here to stay.  So of course he's cautious to be too celebratory.  The next morning, I took one of the digital tests which of course read "Pregnant" and for some reason, this made him believe it more.  I have to agree...there's something about seeing that word instead of two little lines that helps make it seem real.

Today is Mother's Day and I would love to tell our mothers today, but as of now, the Hubs wants to wait.  We find out the results from our third HCG test tomorrow and then may do an ultrasound sometime this week depending upon where the levels are (I think they have to be at 1,000 for anything to show on screen).  Just really hoping that the levels are high enough tomorrow that we can get the ultrasound soon so this can feel more real.  Then, the little guy or gal just needs to hang on until Christmas or so (Christmas, did I say we would be having ourselves a Christmas baby?). 

To make things even better, I also found out that one of my good friends who has been struggling with IF is pregnant after her third IVF round and is also due at Christmas. It killed me not to tell her we were going to be going through our pregnancies together...

Fingers crossed for lots and lots of sticky baby dust and 9 more months of a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end.  I'm still in shock, but really hoping to believe this is OUR baby.  He or she is finally ready to make us parents - and that is the most wonderful gift in the world.

Happy birthday, baby

Today would have been our baby's 1st birthday.  It's such a beautiful day outside and would have been such a great day for a first birthday.  But instead, I'm sitting in bed sad, wondering what went wrong and if we will ever get a baby of our own.  No matter how much time goes by, I still think about that baby we never met and how different our lives would be if he or she would have been born. 

All along this terrible journey, I've thought things like, "Oh, if I don't have a baby by the first baby's due date, I'll quit trying," and would just keep making up new deadlines - the baby's first Christmas, the due date of my new niece and of course, eventually came to the first birthday of our baby - but we have kept on trying.  It's been exhausting in about every way possible - physically, emotionally, mentally and even exhausting enough that I'm tired of reading other blogs about infertility.  But for some reason, I keep on and I have to believe it's because we are meant to be parents and that some day soon, all of this will work out as we had hoped.  I hope that someday soon, I'm looking down at a tiny little face that WE created after years of sadness and disappointment.  But I can guarantee that no matter how far from today that is, we will never forgt the baby that we never met.

So to that baby hopefully waiting for us in heaven, I hope you know how much we love you and wish we could have met you.  You brought us so much happiness and joy in that short time you were in our lives.  And even though we never had the opportunity to hold you or kiss you or know your name, it is because of the thought of you that we continue to try for another baby.  We experienced a great amount of heartache when you left our lives, but because of the happiness that we had knowing you were there, we will never give up the chance to be "real" parents. 

Happy birthday, baby.  Somehow I feel that you gave us more gifts than we could have ever given you.  We love you and will never forget you.

Now what?

On Tuesday, I met with my regular doctor as a follow up to my unsuccessful fourth round of IUI.  I had an appointment scheduled with a new RE for October, so I was a bit upset that it was going to be so long for that, but I really wanted there to be some other step or test that we could have to look forward to instead of waiting until October for what would probably be IVF - a process of which I happen to be terrified of.  More on that later.

So, I arrived to my appointment armed with a list of tests that I wanted to have done - tests to check my clotting factors, to check for a very rare condition of Natural Killer Cells, and a few other things.  Fortunately or unfortunately (depending upon how you or I look at it), I've had all of those tests already done (and even a few more that test for even more rare conditions) and everything came back normal.  I had not realized that my doctor had already ordered these tests before with the numerous blood tests, etc. that I've already had done.  Why wouldn't he have?  I should have known this...he's that awesome.

After discussing the fact that my regular doctor has already done everything he can do for us, I told him that we didn't have an appointment with the new RE until October, to which he replied that October was way too far away.  So, he quickly had one of his nurses contact another doctor who made us an appointment for May 9th.  I was amazed!  I could not believe this was happening so quickly and was grateful that they were so nice to get me in so quickly (again, thanks to my wonderful doctor). 

I'll admit that at first, I was very sad that there was nothing else my doctor could do.  I felt totally deflated.  I guess I thought there was another step between him and a new doctor and IVF and I just wasn't ready for that.  Perhaps it is because I don't know enough about IVF and I don't even know where to begin in the research.  Unfortunately, there is so much information on the internet that I get overwhelmed when I type "IVF" into that little search box, so I end up closing out the page and just trying to forget about it.  I suppose my reaction to being informed that my doctor was at the end of his abilities was so easy to read because he quickly hugged me and promised me that it would happen for us and that I could not give up.  He's amazingly wonderful to say that, but I had a moment where I thought, "Yeah, right."  I mean, what else is he supposed to say, right?

After a bit of time (and again, finding out about my new appointment on May 9th!), I started to feel a little more positive about the possibilities and, dare I say it, maybe even a little excited for what is to come.  I happen to love being off the fertility meds this month and love feeling like I have my body and the control over it back again, but I suppose I'll give that up in a few months for another shot at holding a baby of our very own in my arms.  Honestly, what wouldn't I give up for that?  Um...nothing really.

F*ck signs!

Okay, before you jump to judging me for using the mother of all curse words in the title of my post, hear me out. 

If you have read any of my previous entries, you have most likely gotten the fact that I think everything is a "sign" and am always looking for the deeper meaning for why things happen, etc.  So today, I was chatting with a very good friend about our current situation.  I told her what we were up to now (see previous post) and how I was surprised at how well I've been handling interactions with our new niece (the Hubs on the other hand, seems to be having a little more trouble with it but more on that later).  I don't seem to be as sad as I thought I would be upon seeing her.  I just love to hold her and kiss her and stare at her little face wondering and hoping whether I'll have one of my own someday soon and that if I do, that he or she be just as perfect and precious as she is.  I was watching the Hubs hold her yesterday and was nearly brought to tears just watching him with her and our older niece.  He's just such a natural and doesn't even realize it.  Sometimes when I stop and start to think that maybe instead of being parents, we'll just be the best Aunt and Uncle there ever was, I realize how much I would hate to not be able to see him like this with children of our own.  Almost seems like a waste of such a great quality in a man.

So my friend, who we will call Judy, told me that I really couldn't give up.  That she thought we would make some of the best parents around and that regardless of what happens or how hard it is, we are meant to be parents.  And that brings me to the title of this post.  She said (and I quote), "No matter what, you can't give up.  You have got to stop taking things as a sign.  God takes good people and babies from this world everyday, so F*CK signs!"  And that is just exactly what I needed to hear from someone.  She was absolutely right.  Not saying that God is a horrible being, but it's true - awful things happen to wonderful people and innocent babies every single day.  It's not my job to try to find the meaning to all of it.  We just have to accept it, make the best of what we can and move on.  It's really all we can do. 

So my new mantra is "F*ck signs!"  I'm making my own and all signs point to this one:

Avoidance

I haven't updated my blog in a while and I suppose that it's due to the fact that I feel like I'm writing the same stuff all over again.  From this, you can probably guess that IUI #4 was a bust and I'm once again in limbo.

I was feeling so great about the IUI working this past time, too.  I had an acupuncture session on day 12 which, according to my acupuncturist, is the "optimal" day.  My IUI was on a Sunday and God bless the doctor and his nurse who came in to perform it for me.  I was really hoping that it would all be worth the hassle and everyone's time and actually work.  But on March 22, Aunt Flo arrived with her lovely gift to me.  Fun times.

I also have a brand new niece...just two days old.  And man is she gorgeous.  Holding her today just reaffirmed that I will do whatever it takes to have one of my own.  I couldn't help but keep staring at her just wondering if anyone else realized what a complete miracle she is.  She's beautiful and perfect and I wish I could steal her and have her as my own.  Love her already!

The Hubs and I are set to see my regular doctor on Tuesday.  We're going to ask if there is anything we can do while we wait to see our new RE (whom we aren't scheduled to see until October!!!).  I wasn't sure if there were any tests or other methods we could get out of the way before seeing him.  And it sounds as if IVF is the way the new RE is going to go, according to the phone conversation I had with his nurse.  I've debated making another appointment at my current RE's office - maybe with one of the other doctors - to see what we can accomplish in the interim.  I just don't know that I can wait until October.  But then again, being off of the meds and not stressing about ovulation testing and scheduled intercourse is a bit of a relief.

So, I'm going to work on my golf game and some photography to keep my mind occupied.  But seeing that little baby every day (and I can't help but want to see her every day) isn't making this wait any easier. 

IUI #4 in waiting...

I haven't posted on here in a while and it's mostly because I don't know what to say.  IUI #3 didn't work, so I started the Femara again and here I go battling against being a chubb.  I am plump.  I am tired.  I hurt.  I'm so tired of all of this.

IUI #4 took place on Sunday.  God bless my doctor's partner and one of the nurses for coming in on a Sunday to help me.  I sure hope it's worth it all and pays off.  Unfortunately, the Hubs was not able to go with me - I did it alone.  It seemed to hurt worse this time - perhaps it wasn't my "lady parts" that were hurting and more just my being upset with the whole process again and doing it alone...knowing this is our last chance until the next step.  Who knows what that next step is or when it will be since the "new" doctor may not be able to see us until the Fall.

I've upped my workouts, have been really watching what I eat, but nothing seems to help.  I'm about 10 pounds heavier than I was at the beginning of the year and for someone only 5 foot tall, that's a lot.  I hate that I'm upset about my weight and how I look.  I should do whatever it takes to have a baby.  I realize this.  But it's so hard to be willing to continually sacrifice not only your appearance and your body, but your mind and your emotions - and sometimes your relationship - for something that you don't know will ever even happen. 

I still have to believe that it's all going to be worth it.  And I'm hoping that day when I'll look back on all we've been through and realize it's worth it will be soon.  But I've been thinking that for about two years now with no luck.

This is no fun...if it doesn't work this month, I am most definitely ready for a break.

It didn't work...

IUI #3 was a bust.  No matter how much I wanted it to work and believed that everything was pointing in the right direction for it to happen, it didn't.  I am finally realizing I have absolutely no control over this and no matter how much "sense" I think a certain cycle will make, it's just not going to happen on my terms...or maybe at all.  I'm done trying to think about what makes sense or what would be best for us or our situation.  I am scared to admit it, but I am honestly afraid that it just may not happen for us.

My "regular" OB is willing to try IUI #4 with the Femara as one last resort until the new doctor can see us.  Femara would start tomorrow and the new doctor, unfortunately, says he may not be able to see us until the Fall. Seriously?!?!  I have to believe if it's going to take two and a half seasons for someone to see us that this guy must be a God or a miracle worker or something.  I feel as though we have to try just one more time, but I'm so afraid of what we do until we can see someone else and get more help. 

Everyone who has ever "tried" has heard the saying, "Oh, you just have to relax and stop trying so hard and it will happen for you."  Once upon a time, I sorta believed this, but not any more.  I had read so many things that said how much BS it was that someone would blame stress on the not being able to join an egg and a sperm...but I accepted it.  For a while, that is.  I no longer believe that.

I've tried to talk to the Hubs about adoption.  Perhaps that's the only way we can be parents...but he's just not having much of an adult conversation right now.  I can't say I blame him, but I'm so afraid of not having a plan. 

Not sure what else to say about this post.  I'm at a loss.  I feel like I've been following a map and suddenly lost the map or lost my compass...and I just don't where to go.  I'm following the directions of other people at this point and don't know how to gain control again.  Where to go from here?  I have no idea, but I have to try IUI once again so I can admit that I've done what I've been "instructed."  What else is a people pleaser to do?

Please God help us.  Because I no longer believe that I can.

Resisting the Urge

So, tomorrow is test date.  I cheated and tested on Monday after promising the Hubs I would wait, but it was Valentine's Day and I had such great feelings about getting a BFP and telling him on Valentine's Day that we were gonna be parents!!!

So, of course, the test was negative.  And I was sad, but I was trying to keep in mind that Monday was only 11 days past IUI (dpiui). 

The Hubs busted me, of course, and made me promise that I would wait to take the test when he could be with me.  And I promised, of course.  But being home alone tonight is really hard...really tempting...and I'm not gonna do it.  I'm not gonna.  I am the worst liar and I know that if it is negative, I'll be sad and if it's positive, I'll be ecstatic and never forgive myself for knowing before the Hubs. 

Maybe I should go to bed now to further resist temptation.  So praying we have a happy Friday.

3 days in...

This two week wait thing sucks.  We had our IUI on Thursday and I'm feeling very positive about these results.  Have had some spotting as a result, which my doctor said could be expected.  For anyone who hasn't had IUI before and is curious, it is mildly painful, but honestly, at the moment, you don't care so much since you have all the hope in the world that it will be worth it. 

I've promised myself that I'm not going to allow myself to test until Valentine's Day.  That would be 11 DPO so hopefully, I'll get a positive and it will add to our celebrating.  I realize it could still be too early to test at that point, but I know I won't be able to resist.  I asked the Hubs to hide all of the pregnancy tests, but with most things, I need to remind him (poor guy has serious short-term memory loss) and I purposely didn't since I want to learn how to get some self control.  How pathetic am I?

On a side note, the heartburn has returned and I'm officially a blimp.  I knew I had gained some weight with the Femara (weird, but I don't think I do on the Clomid), but it just feels out of control.  I have to get a handle on this...my appetite has decreased again, but I just can't seem to get any energy to work out.  If I can do 30 minutes on the ellipitcal once a week, I'm ready to celebrate and make a banner to proclaim my success.  Sad, I know.

So, as I move on through the remaining 11 days (or one week, depending on which time I test), I must find ways to keep myself busy and my mind off of peeing on sticks. Maybe I should funnel all of this energy into working out?!?!  That would be a good idea...now just to put it into action.

Feeling like an eskimo

So, a blizzard has been declared for St. Louis.  The media has been reporting on it for days and have been creating panic all over the metro area.  I wasn't really concerned about it until work closed today - after sending us home at noon yesterday, which never happens.  The Hubs is still at work, fortunately on his way home, and me and the kitties are hunkered down in the house hoping we don't get barricaded in or lose power.  I've charged just about every battery we have, tracked down every flash light, lighter, candle and set of matches and am making sure all of the electronics are fully charged as well.  Hopefully, the Hubs will have the opportunity to finish laughing at me for all of this instead of me saying, "Told ya so."

Today is CD 14, which means that we're likely due for IUI in the next day or so.  I was supposed to have an acupuncture appointment tonight, but with the weather, they have closed the office.  I rescheduled for Thursday afternoon, hoping it won't be too late...I'm really putting all I have into this cycle.  I can't have it not work.  I've found new hope this time and was feeling really optimistic about things going our way this month.  I'm trying not to let the weather stress me.  If I can't get another acupuncture appointment in, it won't be the end of the world, but I know if I end up not preggers, I'll totally blame this stupid blizzard. 

I remember we had a snow and ice storm a few years ago and about 9 months after said storm, there were lots of babies being born.  I'm hoping that happens again and that we are one of many parents welcoming a new baby into this world.

Meanwhile, all this talk of blizzards is making me think of a different kind of blizzard.  Mmmm, blizzard...

Raise your hand if you feel like poo...

I do, I do, I do!!!

I don't seem to remember feeling so "yuck" the last time I was on Femara, but I'm feeling it this time.  Although I have a never-ending appetite, I am having some cramping, back pain, headaches and just general lethargy.  I managed to get my butt on the elliptical last night (it felt great!) and am hoping I can convince myself to do the same tonight...but I just feel like poo!!!

I'm hoping that by calling myself out here for being lazy while I feel so blubbery and gross that it will be the kick I need to work out again tonight.

.....

Still sitting here...watching Teen Mom.  Why do I do this to myself???

More about today...

Since I never really closed out my last cycle, I thought I should go ahead and update now.  Dear Aunt Flo came to me last Wednesday, so today is Cycle Day 6, my second day on Femara.  So far, I can feel some abdominal discomfort and cannot stop eating, but it's nothing compared to the Clomid.  We're going for IUI at my OB/Gyn's office (not the RE) and will see how this goes until we can get in to see the new doctor.  Oh, have I mentioned that I haven't even made that appointment yet?  Better get on it.  I guess I'm holding off hoping that it really happens this time...

My youngest cousin had her baby girl on Saturday.  We visited her yesterday and my God was she beautiful.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous as hell!!!  What amazed me is that I think seeing this little gal bothered the Hubs more than it bothered me.  I'm not sure why I wasn't more upset about it...I guess I just figured she wasn't ours and that our baby is still waiting for us.  I think it's also in my head that we are meant to be parents to boys.  Who knows, but I was thrilled not to finish the night sobbing and bawling my eyes out.  I'm ugly when I cry!

I have my third acupuncture appointment on Wednesday and then will go back to see him two times next week since IUI should happen somewhere around next Friday.  I'm taking my prenatal vitamins like a good girl, have gone back on the baby aspirin, and am keeping a positive attitude.  Bring on our October baby!!!

Memories Remain

Two years ago today, I lost my uncle.  He was shot and killed - no one knows by whom or why - and I will never understand how someone can have so little consideration for someone else's life that they can just take it away like that.

Believe it or not, our family actually became closer and stronger after his loss.  I can't help but think that it's all thanks to him.

I have to take a moment (or two or fifty) today to remember the little things, the amazing people and the moments that make our lives memorable.  I will never again see a powder blue Trans Am or hear a Journey song without thinking of him.  And I'm so thankful to have those memories...fortunately, they will never go away.

Remembering you today and always.  RIP Uncle John.

"Send Her My Love" - Journey

Glass half full

Last night, I was finally able to fall asleep rather easily (to be specific, it was 8pm - and it was glorious).  However, my slumber didn't last long as I woke up several times throughout the night; the most lengthy of the wake-ups being at 3am where I was up for about two hours.

Other than infomercials (which are dangerous for me...I always buy!), there really isn't much else on television at that time of the morning.  And when you can't fall asleep, you're desperate.  Anyhow, I managed to stumble upon an episode of "Oprah."  While I have a great deal of respect for Oprah (don't judge me or hate me if you disagree, I'm not a super-fan or anything), I cannot even tell you the last time I saw an episode of her show.  This particular show was not the one I needed to find today.

The show was about a couple who lost their three children in a terrible car accident.  Miraculously, the couple conceived triplets (two girls and a boy - just like their other children) and had them almost a year to the day that they lost their children.  Instant goosebumps, right?  Yeah, that plus many, many, many, many tears for me.  And when I start crying, it's really hard to stop...so it was not good.  The couple ("The Cobles") talked about how they each thought about suicide, but through their grief counseling (which they are thankful they took), they were able to keep the lines of communication between them open at all times and were able to be honest with one another about what they were thinking.  They decided to make a pact that they wouldn't do anything to leave the other alone...they knew they were the only two people who know what they were going through and for one to be without the other, things would only be a million times worse.

I was so impressed and amazed by the strength of these two.  First of all, I commend them for immediately seeking counseling - and not to be sexist or anything, but I was really proud of the husband for being so willing to go to counseling and be open with his wife about his feelings and thoughts.  I know, for one, that is not how my husband is at all.  This man said that if he would have kept his feelings bottled up and never shared them with his wife, who knows what he would have done.  Not to mention the fact that the closed communication would have really probably pushed them apart and been terrible for their marriage.

Oprah kept saying how the overall message of this episode is for people to realize that no matter how low you are in your life, you can get through it and miracles do happen.  It was such a great story and really made me step back and realize that things could be so much worse.  I hope to God that I never have to endure the pain and suffering that the Cobles had to experience.  I can't imagine even losing one of your children like that...miscarriage was hard enough on me and my marriage, I wouldn't want to test it any more.

Throughout the day today, even though I am incredibly tired, I would think back to that inspirational couple and remind myself that it's not so bad.  Sure, my life hasn't been as easy and happy as the lives of many other people, but I could never come anywhere near what this poor family had to experience.

I had my second acupuncture appointment today (which I love - more on that in another post later) and while I'm fairly certain I'm not pregnant this month, I don't feel sad.  I feel hope and optimism with the plans for us in the future and I will never forget the couple I saw on television at 3am this morning.  They are truly inspiring to those of us who have struggled and been challenged through life.  For those of us who are considered the "fighters", I am confident that we come out better people on the other end and have the horrible things in our life to thank for making us that way.

I will never forget the baby we lost and I can't lie and say I won't have days where the struggles of trying to have a baby will make me sad or depressed, but I can be certain that I will also remember that it could be worse, we can get through it and that miracles do happen.

May God bless the Coble family and their dear children they lost.  I may have never met them, but they will always be in my thoughts.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Coble-Family-Miracle

Renewed Hope

Despite some drama at work, today was a good day.  A very good day.  I had my annual well-woman exam (I hate that name...well woman?  really?) scheduled with my regular OB/GYN (whom I adore) and I must say I was totally dreading it.  I had put off scheduling this appointment with the thought that I'd get pregnant and it wouldn't be necessary because I'd be there for my OB appointments anyway.  Obviously I was wrong.

So as my last post revealed, I was in a pretty negative mood, already deciding that this month is also a bust (even though I'm only about 3-4 days past ovulation - DPO) and that I was ready to give up and take a break for an undetermined length of time.  Fortunately, I left my appointment with a much different outlook and plan.  I literally had to restrain myself from squealing and skipping out to my car.

I mentioned that I adore my OB/GYN.  Not only do I adore him, I adore almost every single person who works in his office.  They seem to have all the time in the world to talk to you about your problems even though they are an extremely busy office - and they care, they really care.  I must confess that I am aware of how busy they are, so really truly try not to take up all of their time.  So I arrive to my appointment, chat with the office manager, then head into the room for my talk with the doctor.  He of course comes in and starts out with asking how I'm doing.  I give my standard reply: "I'm doing okay." 

"Just okay?"  he asks, "Why just okay?" He then asks about how things have been going with the RE and what they've done.  For the sake of keeping this entry from being extremely lengthy, I'll abbreviate the rest of the appointment to just say that at this point, I'm not returning to my RE's office if I'm not pregnant this month.  My regular OB (whom we will now refer to as Dr. DR) is going to switch me to Femara (for a variety of reasons) which I have taken before, he is going to handle the IUI in his office and assured me he would come in on a weekend, at night, whatever we needed to do the inseminations.  Did I mention how much I love him?  In addition, after sharing with him some crazy clotting and cramping I was having during my period of my second month on Clomid (sorry if TMI), he tells me that it was quite possibly an early pregnancy miscarriage and my RE shouldn't have disregarded my concerns, they should have had me come in to check it out.  I really hate to think that I might have gotten preggers again and lost it - multiple miscarriages on top of trouble conceiving might just send me over the edge - so I'm trying not to concentrate on it too much. 

He's also referring me to another RE that he's going to try to help us get into without the 4-5 month wait.  But keep in mind that in the mean time, as we wait to see this new doctor, Dr. DR (whom I adore) is going to take care of us and try to help us. 

I felt so much better leaving his office today with this new plan.  All of my fears and thoughts were validated by him and he has given me a renewed sense of hope for us to keep going. 

Tomorrow night is my first acupuncture consult/appointment, so I am feeling good about what is to come.  Let's just pray I don't lose my hope again...

Below is a picture of me showing how I feel today.  Okay, it's not really me, but it shows how I feel...if I were pale with two pieces of hair and a stick figure. 

A New Year...

It's funny to me that a new year has begun because I really don't feel it.  I have high hopes for 2011, but I don't feel like they are "in play" yet.  We weren't able to do IUI this month since my surge was on Friday and my RE's office was closed on Friday and Saturday and Sunday.  Going in on Monday would have probably been a waste, so they advised that we time intercourse instead.  So we did.  But I'm not feeling good about it for some reason.

I have an appointment with my regular OB/GYN tomorrow (for a well-woman exam) and I'm a bit interested to hear if he's with me on taking a break for a while.  I really don't feel that my RE's office is helping much.  They give me Clomid and do the same thing every month.  Sure, we haven't been able to do IUI the past two months, but I just feel like they should be doing some sort of monitoring or additional testing to make sure that our timing is right.  I mean, what if I surge for like 48 hours or more before I actually ovulate and that's why we're missing it?  I suppose there could be all sorts of reasons for why it's not working, but since I don't know enough about all of this, that's why I would rely on them.  And I feel like they are failing me.

I also have my first appointment with my acupuncturist on Wednesday evening.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous.  Not that I'm scared of the tiny needles, I'm really not.  My first appointment will be more of a "chat and therapy" session than anything and while I feel that may help me, I'm a little nervous about opening up (and yes, the possibility of getting all emotional) with someone I just met.  I am also really nervous about the possibility of this not working.  I know, I know...I'm not being very good at being optimistic (one of my resolutions - along with working out 3-4 times per week and I haven't done that very well either).  I am so scared of another thing that I'm hopeful and positive about to fail me. 

The Hubs and I have been chatting and we're both pretty much in the same place right now.  We feel like we just need a break for a while.  No more drugs, ovulation tests or timed sex...just to give us a break for a while and let us go back to being us.  I am sure I'm going to have a hard time with this...I have been tracking my temperature for nearly two years now and monitoring my fertile times, so it will be a huge change to stop all of this.  But it will sure be a relief if I can give it up for a while.

So here's to a new year of new possibilities and new options.  If I don't end up preggers this month, then back to "natural and relaxed."  Hopefully.  We shall see.

Hoping for a happy new year...